I don't know how to explain my feelings today, the one word that comes to mind is pure sadness.
I knew this recovery would be very difficult and unfortunately it's only just begun.
My incision is not healing correctly, probably due to the fact that the same incision has been used three times now. The scar may in fact require a scar revision at some point.....time will tell.
I remain in SEVERE pain, most of the time. Sleep just isn't happening for me at night so usually I try and sleep a few hours during the day. However, Jalyn is so sad when he comes home from school to find me in bed and I can't blame him one bit. So today I was up the whole day with no rest.
Leila called Laura (our nanny) "mommy" today.....WOW did that hurt. That hurt deep. I waited incredibly long to hear those beautiful words come out of that beautiful child's lips while looking at me. Sure, you can say oh she just got confused or what not, but it hurt just the same.
Jalyn is an angel......I've known this since he was born. He watches out for me...."MOMMY! YOUR BENDING!!!" He says prayers for me and I receive extra hugs and kisses. He likes to look at my incision and ask "was it more painful when I came out of there?" (Yes we've had the whole where do babies come from and how do they get out chat already. If you ask me, c-section-er's have it much easier explaining the out part! Of course, we kept it at the level appropriate for a five-year-old.)
Tariq has been an amazing husband, there for me through it all. He wakes me up to provide the good stuff (pain meds during the night). He just arrived home and he's fixing dinner (a very healthy dinner I might add), he always provides me with smoothies packed with protein powder, flax, fruits and my personal favorite.....sherbet! I am so blessed to have a devoted hubby. He is my rock that has pulled me through so many difficult times in my life and this time is no different.
Well.....Leila is off to Nana and Jidu's for a slumber party so mommy and daddy doesn't have to worry about parties in the middle of the night:) Jalyn is about to hit the hay here is a few minutes. This would be the time where I would read to relax, but for some reason I cannot see. What I mean exactly is that when I try to read the words blur together. I try and shake me head, close me eyes for a minute and readjust but it doesn't help. Even typing this has been a challenge. I don't know if this is medication related or anesthesia related, but whatever it is it sucks.
I miss my mom, she went home Saturday.
Well I'm off to shower, put on cozy pj's, and love on my son and then of course, the dogs.
I hope and pray that tomorrow I wake up a different person. Out of the past four surgeries I've gone through, I have to say that this by far (so far) has been the best in terms of not feeling nauseous, extremely tired and run down. I also have never felt so inspired to come out fighting to get back to normal. I want my life back, pain free. Oh the things we will do, the places we will go. That's why feeling down right now has been hard, it's like I'm letting myself down in a way, letting my husband down as I know he needs/wants me back.
Tomorrow I am determined to wake up happy and excited about the future, about the vacations we will take when I recover enough. I want nothing more than to hold my baby girl and rock her, cradle her and remind her who loves her more than anyone else in this entire world. I want to snuggle next to Jalyn, bend down to give him those awesome bear hugs he gives, and remind my husband how very much in love I am with him;)
But for tonight I will take a warm shower, cry and let the pain deep in my soul out for a short time. I believe it's unhealthy to keep our feelings inside, at least for me it's healthier to let them out and move on.
To leave you with appropriate lyrics from a Sugarland song:
Now it is poor me, why me, oh me boring
the same old worn out blah blah story
There is no good explanation for it at all
Ain't no rhyme or reason
No complicated meaning
Ain't no need to over think it
Let go laughing
Life don't go quite like you planned it
We try so hard to understand it
But the irrefutable, indisputable fact is.......
S%$!......... It happens