Friday, October 30, 2009

Just Need To Say...

Thank you.
Even though I'm not always able to say it, I really appreciate you.

Sometimes I have a difficult time posting, I want it to be read-worthy, worthy of your time.

Then someone sends me an amazing comment on how what I've written has in someway changed their thinking to a more positive light.

Thank you for your comments and feedback, that's what keeps my fingers typing.

I'm sorry I'm not always able to respond but I would like you to know how much it means to me that you click on my little space and read what's on my mind.

~Thank you Melissa for your voicemail the other day, you inspire me to keep it up.~

Today is a great day, find out why tomorrow!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Life Is Good Today...

I don't have my toes in the water or my bum in the sand as the famous Kenny Chesney song goes, but life is good today anyways.

Today brought cool temperatures to the desert and a crisp fall breeze, finally fall has arrived.

I've opened my windows to let the cool air fill my home, let Leila stay in her cozy fleece pj's and lit a candle that fills my home with an apple-harvest smell.

My husband took care of Jalyn getting to school and let me sneak in some extra zzzz's. Somehow doing laundry today feels effortless and somewhat enjoyable.

A delicious day indeed.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Today and Six Years Ago

I arrived at the doctors office bright and early.

My daughter by my side, my ever-present angel.

"Kelli?" I heard the nurse call from the door.

My turn.

I lie on the table as she asks "you look so young, why are you here and is this your first echocardiogram?"

"First thank you for the young comment (since being diagnosed with heart failure....again, I have felt like a 90-year-old, or at least what I think a 90-year-old would feel like). Second, I'm here to find out if there's been any changes in my heart function and third gosh I wish".

I replayed her question in my head. Have I had this test before? My mind wondered as I wait for her to prepare the machine. I went back to the hospital room where I was admitted for shortness of breath and fluid on my lungs three short days after the birth of my son. I could hear the echo tech in the hallway discuss a case with the nurse. The nurse said to him "you know what were looking for right?" "Yes, postpartum cardiomyopathy" he replied.

My heart sank, I knew what this was, I knew it was me they were talking about.

I called Tariq, he was taking our newborn son to his first pediatrician's appointment. "You know what they think I have?" I said to my husband. "Their not talking about you babe". He believed I had a pneumonia or something. None of us wanted to believe the worst case scenario.

In the hospital room I am alone while they run a probe covered in cold jelly over my heart. I look at the screen, looks oddly similar to the ultrasounds I was used to receiving having just been pregnant. Only this image was squeezing and a funny whooshing noise was present. Then red and blue went from one side to the other.

From this point on it's a super fast blur of memories:

I remember my parents visiting the hospital. I remember the doctor coming in. They say something along the lines of we are very sorry, you are in heart failure. We have a cardiologist coming in right away. I call my husband, I cannot speak for I'm crying from the depth of my soul. My husband arrives and never leaves my side. Cardiologist arrives and says it's even worse than we expected. I'm told I may get better with time, may never recover, may require a heart transplant. Then another doctor arrives to tell me I can never have anymore children. I've just delivered my first child whom I cannot even be with, whom I cannot breast feed, whom I will not be able to take care of for six long months.

"Are you ready for the cold jelly" asks the nurse. "You bet" I replied.

Fast forward to the present and however many echo's I've had. The screen that appeared so foreign to me at one point is now just a part of my life.

I'm filled with such gratitude that my life here on earth was spared to enjoy my husband, my kids and even the constant medical trips. My biggest fear that plagued me since recovery the first time was a relapse. Now that my fear has come true, I'm left with the choice to face it head on and then move on. I feel as though my heart has healed and I've shared those thoughts with you. Now that I know it's possible to decline a part of me will always wonder what's around the corner. I am so incredibly blessed with a husband that gets it, that gets that I don't always feel spunky and great and knows when I need a breather. I'm blessed that he has promised to walk with me no matter what. My two children are happy, healthy and beautiful. What else can you ask out of life?

No matter what the results show, I know nothing can stop me from fighting anything in the present or the future. I've got too much to live for.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

All in a Days Work.

Jalyn and I went shopping today. We filled three boxes for the Food Bank and provided a Thanksgiving meal for three families. What a great feeling.
This is what else I did today. I love to bake and apple pie is definitely my favorite!
Jalyn and Leila going for a ride.
While my parents were here we visited the biggest hole in the world.
Can you guess what we watched for movie night last night? Wolverine. Daddy made Jalyn his own metal claws! What a lucky boy eh?!

Friday, October 16, 2009

I Love Fridays

I love Friday nights with my family.

We have movie night, make popcorn, eat candy and Jalyn and I end the night with a snuggling slumber party. Not too much longer and sis will be old enough to join us!

Have a good Friday doing whatever it is you do!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Ahhhh, Pure Simplicity

Today I find myself appreciative of the simple things in life.
Darn those eight loads of laundry that never end, yet thankful that I'm here to make sure my family has clean clothes stocked in their drawers when they need them. The smell of fabric softener cuddles them with the love I feel, load after load after load.

Those dishes! Ugh! Get one load in the washer just in time for the pile that's overflowing the sinks turn. Though I'm here and able to load and unload over and over again. Dishes are done just in time to feed my family dinner. Again, washed with love.

My daughter won't nap. This is perhaps the most disappointing thing that can happen to a stay-at-home mother. That precious hour of me time that usually turns into what can I get done in this hour? But this day, this day, I was going to nap. Then I think, I have my daughter here with me, in my home, in my care while so many others are still waiting for their adoptions to go through. What those moms would give just to know their little ones are safe, loved and HOME.

The very best part of my day is seeing the yellow school bus roll over the hill. I watch the most adorable little man in saggy jeans and a grungy t-shirt marked with the days activities he accomplished without me, head my way. We head home for a hearty afternoon snack (honey-crisp apples with Carmel is the fav around these parts), to a home where he has clean pj's, dishes on the table for dinner and a whole lot of love to go around.

It's the simple things that we mothers do that tell our story of love. Being grateful in the fact that accomplishing these tasks rather effortlessly is an amazing gift. Sometimes these tasks can seem minimal and unimportant compared to what our spouses are accomplishing outside of the home. It's what we do during the day that shows our family that we love them. We love them enough to make sure there are clean clothes and dishes, afternoon snacks a mommy and wife that can't wait to see them when they return home.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Under the Weather

This weekend I sent my parents home on a jet plane.
I am not feeling so hot, flu I suppose. Swine? Seasonal? Cold? Who knows?!
I have lots to tell you and no energy to type.
Hopefully I'll be back to normal soon........