Tuesday, March 30, 2010

When it Rains...

It was to be a simple vet visit. I mean, we knew our "nassey-noo" may have valley fever. In most cases though, valley fever is treatable. This will either be confirmed or denied in the days to come.

Jafar came along to have a pesky ear problem taken care of. I mentioned to the vet that he must have "old-man-bladder" as he hasn't been emptying his bladder well and squirting pee off and on instead of a straight line. Harmless--I thought. She grabbed a urine sample to be extra cautious to rule out a UTI.
His urine was green.
Upon further inspection, there were tons of crystals and abnormally high amounts of protein. "Protein in urine is never a good thing" said the vet.
"I know" I told her.
"This is far more serious", she says.
"I know" I say again.
I don't want to know anymore at this point.
And so we wait for the results, $900 later.
I'll tell you, these are my kids and I would move Heaven and earth for them just the same.
You know somethings going to happen at some point, but you are never ready.
Could you please pray for my Nasser and Jafar?

Thursday, March 25, 2010


Has it seriously been that long since my last post? I'm totally slacking, and super busy.

We went on a family camping trip--pictures to follow soon. Had a magnificent time together. I honestly feel as though I'm living the American dream sitting under the stars with my Mr. and roasting marshmallows. Hearing the children playing in the trailer with new friends and spending nothing but good ol' quality time with each other is the ultimate vacation. Who the heck needs swanky hotels, spas and five star restaurants? Well....now I'm getting a little bit ahead of myself! I do so love places such as that, but camping feeds my soul. Plus, they wouldn't allow my sleeping buddy to come along.

I've been studying nearly every waking minute........and.........I'm thrilled to report that it has payed off! I passed the LPN boards and just yesterday submitted my application for the nursing program this August. Phew! I feel the relief, no longer in my hands, no longer weighing on my shoulders. Feels great to clear this mess from my desk, if only for two months. I will find out in either April or early May if I have been accepted (fingers crossed).


Thursday, March 11, 2010

I Read A Story Today In The Paper

about a young woman (my age) that was diagnosed with breast cancer soon after the birth of her first child, a little girl.

A blog she kept chronicled her last months where she fought a valiant fight to remain here on earth for her little girl. She tried every treatment that was offered, even experimental options. One thing was certain, she wanted her daughter to know her mother was a fighter and never gave up.

On Valentines Day she received a call from her doctor: The cancer had spread and the time and come to live and let go of the fight. This mommy began taping videos for her daughter to watch for nearly every event she would one day miss from first dates to periods to weddings and children, she captured almost everything she wanted to before time ran out. Words on her blog stayed ever so positive and uplifting despite the tragedy they were living. This mama kept her sense of humor until the very end.

I turned the page and wiped my tears.

I had to do something.......something..........

Do I give to breast cancer research in honor of her?

Do I give to her husband and daughter?

Like a ton of bricks it hit me.

I was meant to read this article for this very reason:

I don't need to give money, cash has no value in heaven nor in the way this woman lived her life.

I have been living my life for tomorrow. The best way I can honor this incredible woman is to live the life that she couldn't for as long as I can.

Opening the door to Leila's room during nap time only to find play time and disasters used to set me off. Now, I take pictures.

I have asked Jalyn to get dressed only to find myself asking him to change what he had put on because it didn't match. Now, I compliment him on his choices.

These are the days I remember and count my blessings to have lived them. To cherish and nurture your marriage is by far and away the best gift you can give your children. I am here! I am here! And I've often been left to wonder if I would be. For now, I am here and I don't plan on going anywhere, but if I do, my husband will know he was loved and my children will know that mommy was madly in love with daddy.

I had a child, biologically. It was a painful time to be told that future children were not an option for me. I relished my pregnancy, not knowing it would be my last. I captured every minute of this child's life, not knowing it wouldn't be my last.

God had a plan for us. The cards had been dealt but I had yet to play. Another child joined our family in an unconventional way and boy was it a journey I will never forget.

This was me, leaving my child behind. You can see the emotion on my face. This time in my life was one big state of shock, literally. I will never forget this feeling of leaving a child. Never. At this point we've bonded and she was mine. I had to fight like hell to bring her home and I'd do it all over again.
I am very blessed to live this life. The best gift we as mothers can give to those unable to be with their children, is to love our own in memory of them. To remember the bigger picture and what is truly important.

The little stuff doesn't matter, never did.
Thank you for teaching me this lesson.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Idea's Anyone???

The Mr. and I have been given this delightful opportunity to escape for a whole week sans children.

Now.......what to do with this week?

My heart is still here:

Maui (picture from Wordpress)

However, as you all know, I am going back to school so money is an issue.

Some of the best idea's EV-AR have come from those who pathed the way for me. So my dear friends, what have you done with your Mr. that has been utterly romantic and easy on the pocket book?

Leave me a comment or e-mail me personally and tell me all about it! Remembering that this va-ca will take place during the summer when it will be HOT-HOT-HOT locally!


The Oh-So-Grasious Rie

Monday, March 8, 2010

Sandra. You rocked my world.

Sandra Bullock accepting an Oscar for her performance in The Blind Side.
Picture taken off Google.
During her speech, she thanked all the mothers that love their babies and children, no matter where they came from. She said somehow these mothers never get thanked, and you are oh so right Sandra!
You are an extraordinary actress and human being who truly captures the meaning of beauty, the heart of a woman.
I was more than thrilled for Hurt Locker, I might add.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Remember When

Life felt free and your worst nightmare was forgetting your homework? When responsibilities consisted of feeding the animals, making your bed and brushing your teeth twice daily?
I remember a day back in 2003 when my responsibility became surviving post-partum cardiomyopathy, and I did. Fast forward to current. When asked by many doctors about my history it has become natural for me to mention my PPCM. Until a week ago that is. An endodontist asked "is that still what they are calling it? You know, since it came back and all?" "Well", I replied, "I guess at this point it would be just cardiomyopathy".
Then yesterday at my cardiologists office I heard him tell the nurse that my new diagnosis is cardiomyopathy. So there it was, solidified in black in white, I am no longer a PPCM survivor. I am someone battling a very different disease, cardiomyopathy.
I would never expect this new diagnosis to effect me in this way, but it has. I no longer can prevent this by not getting pregnant. I can no longer be told that this won't return. This is a whole new game I'm playing and it's darn right scary because there is no control factor here. The only thing I can do is be a responsible patient by following a medication regimen and report anything unusual to my doctor. The rest is simply up to the Good Man Himself. The ironic thing is that no matter how much I have felt like the one in control, I never have been nor ever will be.
Life is a series of ever-changing responsibilities.
I bask in the glory of the little ones and thank God for the big ones, as there is something to learn from them all.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

To Continue

Arizona sunset during our last camping trip

Two nights ago was not a good night. I experienced some type of cardiac event which included palpitations, my heart felt like it was coming out of my chest, extreme jaw pain with numbness, nausea, dizziness and difficulty breathing. Lying on the bed was torture as my Mr. was closing up the house for the night and I couldn't call for him. Literally, I felt as though I was going to die right there and he wouldn't even know I was experiencing this as I was completely fine one minute before.

Eventually he found me and comforted me as he does so well. 15 minutes or so had passed and I began to feel normal again. I was so scared, a million and one thoughts went through my head; I need to write letters to my children, what would my children do without their mother, does my husband know everything he needs to know, etc..... Just when I think I'm healthy and life is great, something happens to remind me just how lucky I am to be here today let alone tomorrow. Preparing for the worst is not pessimistic, it's realistic. I am at peace with Heaven and The Lord, I am not at peace with leaving behind those that I love.

I say to my Mr. "I just want it to stop."

He replied "we have gotten through the worst of the worst and have come out stronger for it. I will always be here for you and whatever life throws at us we will tackle together. You want it to stop, I just want it to continue".

Here's to continuing life, together, no matter what.