Thursday, March 4, 2010

Remember When

Life felt free and your worst nightmare was forgetting your homework? When responsibilities consisted of feeding the animals, making your bed and brushing your teeth twice daily?
I remember a day back in 2003 when my responsibility became surviving post-partum cardiomyopathy, and I did. Fast forward to current. When asked by many doctors about my history it has become natural for me to mention my PPCM. Until a week ago that is. An endodontist asked "is that still what they are calling it? You know, since it came back and all?" "Well", I replied, "I guess at this point it would be just cardiomyopathy".
Then yesterday at my cardiologists office I heard him tell the nurse that my new diagnosis is cardiomyopathy. So there it was, solidified in black in white, I am no longer a PPCM survivor. I am someone battling a very different disease, cardiomyopathy.
I would never expect this new diagnosis to effect me in this way, but it has. I no longer can prevent this by not getting pregnant. I can no longer be told that this won't return. This is a whole new game I'm playing and it's darn right scary because there is no control factor here. The only thing I can do is be a responsible patient by following a medication regimen and report anything unusual to my doctor. The rest is simply up to the Good Man Himself. The ironic thing is that no matter how much I have felt like the one in control, I never have been nor ever will be.
Life is a series of ever-changing responsibilities.
I bask in the glory of the little ones and thank God for the big ones, as there is something to learn from them all.


  1. Wow. I imagine a new diagnosis would probably sort of throw you off a bit since when we have something happen to us, we tend to find out everything can about it (so we can control it, right?!)...all of a sudden, it means a new set of unknowns, like you said.
    Prayers for your peace and your joy in the days of those unknowns!!!

  2. I know that there is nothing that I could say to make things better...but just remember that you're loved and that none of us (has/have) (you pick the correct verb (wink wink)) any control over when or how our lives will transition. So in that, you are surely not alone. (Here's where I smack you on the rump and give you a giant hug).