I'm Blown Away

I just received the most amazing surprise from my husband. This is quite possibly the best gift EV-AR! Mums the word for now, watch for a later post revealing why MY husband is the best.

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!

I can say this as I am not only announcing the winner of my small little give-away, but I am also making my favorite homemade chicken noodle soup for dinner.

Congratulations Brea! Arriving shortly will be a Yankee Candle in my favorite fall scent. Hope you enjoy it (just burn it when Jim's not around;)

Doing this give-away was my small way of thanking you all for your unconditional support. Just the fact that you read my blog is humbling.


Rie

Change of Seasons....Change of Luck?

Fall has begun in the our household.

It is cold (90 degrees), rainy (drizzling) and cloudy (partly), but it's the closest to fall in Arizona gets. I've spent most the morning placing things here and there, absolutely my favorite time of year.

My annual "Yahooo! Fall is here" gift is on it's way to my mom. I hope you enjoy it mom!

Some amazing things took place this week. The first being that the doctor finally called with some good news. He said, your ejection fraction has come up 2% since starting the medications! Now I know that's not much, but it's not much in the right direction. Certainly something to celebrate.

I woke up Friday to find that I won something, and not just something, but a gift certificate to Single Stone Studios! Yahoooooo! Already have ideas of what I would like. I know it must have killed Shelly to post my anti Ohio State comment on her blog, but she did, and I'm proud of her. That's the first step to realizing she has been brain washed by her husband (he's brain washed too). Michigan kicks off the season on September 5th ya'll! Mark it on your calender.

This is one possibility:

My friend called to ask if we would like to join them for the first Cardinals home game (pre-season). A date night?! When? Where? What time? I'm all over that! Remember my favorite pair of heels I showed you before? I got them out of the closet (they were the perfect cardinal red), dusted them off and put them on for the first time since March, the back surgery. My girls: I've missed you. I felt my sexy coming back.....until I noticed the excruciating blisters you were causing. Check out these two hotties!
Dinner time! Some amazing things have happened this week. I pray our luck is turning around. If this week is any indication, I'd say it has.

In celebration of the beginning of my favorite time of year and returning heart function, I'm holding a give-away! Here's the deal: I love the holidays; fall, Christmas, New Years etc.... Share with me your family traditions, big or small. I'm always looking to add new traditions to our holidays. So, send me your favorite family traditions! I will choose one that I want to add to our families traditions........And what will you get in exchange? The winner will receive a large jar candle from Yankee in my new favoirte fall scent!

Leave me a comment here on the blog or e-mail me at: waterford@cox.net

You have until Friday 5pm EST.

Good Luck!

Can't wait to read your ideas!!!

Happy Birthday My Love

The Occasion: Tariq's (20th) Birthday

The Guests: Us and his Parents

The Menu:

~Broiled Mustard and Brown Sugar Glazed Salmon Fillets with Dill

~American Baked Potato's with the Works

~Balsamic Asparagus

~Homemade Pecan Pie

We ate a wonderful dinner, Tariq's favorite.
I placed the candles in the pecan pie (all 20), not an easy feat.

After desert we watched home videos. We watched Jalyn's birth for the first time. Jalyn loved seeing himself as a newborn. I mourned for those precious six months to follow that I was unable to care for him, and thanked God for the family that was.

I watched and listened as Nana and Jidu helped Jalyn with his homework. It was a beautiful sight. Homework must feel different as a grandparent when your not doing it every night. It was a joy for them to help him.

Daddy gave Leila a bath then he and Nana tucked her into bed.

After our guests left and the children were snuggled all warm in their beds, we retired to our room and talked about the evening. I had an appointment with my cardiologist this morning. I've gained five pounds, have noticed increased shortness of breath and my energy has hightailed it out of my life. An echocardiogram was repeated yesterday to check for further decline. No results as of yet. My mother-n-law brought me flowers and a card with a heartfelt message. The night meant so much to me, so much to celebrate. As long as there is breath in me I will cook Tariq's favorite meals, make him homemade pies and give thanks for another reason to celebrate.

The evening ended with this. I wish for more evenings like last night.

Appreciation

I look into Leila's eyes and wonder if she would even remember me.

I am thankful that I was healthy enough at one time to experience the joy in saving a child's life.

No matter what happens, she is far better off here with only a daddy than in Kyrgyzstan, alone.

I can only hope that the love I have given her thus far could last her a lifetime.

I watch Jalyn play and I'm thankful he's old enough to know his mommy loves him.

He understands what is going on even though we've told him very little.

He is Mommy's Boy. He holds me and comforts me and brings me such joy.

It is my greatest fear to leave my children. But when I look into their innocent eyes or watch them play quietly, I am reminded that my time with them has truly been a blessing. These are God's children and He choose me to raise them on this earth. I am so blessed that He choose me in the first place.

I have had so many write and say that I have been such an inspiration to them. I have a difficult time in seeing myself as so, but am honored nonetheless. I know each and every one of you that has said those very words to me. I know your character and your strength. You would do the very same thing. You would put your children first just as I have. You would have faith that the road ahead is paved by God so that no matter where it leads, it is where you are meant to go. So I'm going to tell you the same thing a very special person said to me: When you are searching for inspiration, look in the mirror. We each have our own experiences with disappointment, being lost and overcoming the most difficult times.

Look in the mirror and recognize that you yourself are an inspiration. That you are brave.

I'm finally able to do this myself.

The Second Stage: Anger

WARNING: I cannot be held responsible for the following post. I'm allowing myself one pissed off post and then movin on. Feel free to disregard as I get a few things off my chest and relieve this weight.

I am pissed. Beyond pissed. Again? Seriously?!
I have anger inside I never knew I was capable of producing.

My poor, poor husband. He was witness to my emotional breakdown. He wasn't quite sure what to do with me. Hell, I wasn't quite sure what to do with me.

Why again? It's so rare. Nothing is "rare" to me anymore. Once something has happened to you it's not "rare". And by the way, saying what you have is "rare" to someone is not a good thing to hear. Translation: Doctors don't know what in the hell to do about it. There is no research to guide them. Your screwed.
Don't say this to someone.

For the record, I am not brave. I did not ask for this. I do not want this. I am scared as hell. What other choice does a mom have other than to pick up the pieces and move forward for her children?

I am not an inspiration, at least, I do not see myself as so. That puts pressure on me to live up to that expectation and quite frankly, I'm allowed a sh**** day every now and then. I keep my chin up for the most part, but cannot feel bad about having a good cry either. To hide those times of hurt and anger would only serve others that don't want to feel what I'm feeling.

"Your going to be just fine" is getting quite old. Unless you are God, you cannot possibly know that. I am not being negative, it's called being realistic. Something along the lines of "it sucks and I'm sorry" would be appropriate.

Disclaimer:
My intent of this post is certainly not to offend anyone. I would have said the same things to others myself. I'm moving through the stages and have to allow myself to do so. If you do not allow yourself these emotions than you may never move past the stages and reach acceptance.

Right now I'm mad as hell and have every right to be.

There are greater things yet to be done in this city.

Energy. Where have you gone? Are you being held for ransom by those medications in exchange for a functional heart? I can't find you and I really need you back. I need you for all the great adventures I've signed myself up for. Because you left, I had to delay my return to the work force and I was really looking forward to that new phase of my life.

In an effort to maintain my emotional well being I have searched for alternative options. I signed up for cake decorating classes and offered myself as a volunteer at our church. I mentioned to Tariq that I would like to sew. "Go for it and get yourself a machine......Happy Birthday." What a wonderful husband I have. Not only did he support this new venture, he accompanied me to a store. Not only did he accompany me, he was present as we spoke to the ladies about the machines. He asked insightful questions and gave me his full blessing in making my decision.

Even though the reality of my situation shows its ugly face once in a while, I've managed to work through the pain and move forward. But I cannot be an active participant if you do not come back to me in some way shape or form.

There are greater things yet to be done in this city, this city that I have not been so partial too. There has been good here, but I want it to be better. Not saying this is going to happen, but I could not leave this city without giving it full effort. I want to enjoy it and experience it.

Please come back to me energy and allow me these greater experiences.