Friday, August 14, 2009

The Second Stage: Anger

WARNING: I cannot be held responsible for the following post. I'm allowing myself one pissed off post and then movin on. Feel free to disregard as I get a few things off my chest and relieve this weight.

I am pissed. Beyond pissed. Again? Seriously?!
I have anger inside I never knew I was capable of producing.

My poor, poor husband. He was witness to my emotional breakdown. He wasn't quite sure what to do with me. Hell, I wasn't quite sure what to do with me.

Why again? It's so rare. Nothing is "rare" to me anymore. Once something has happened to you it's not "rare". And by the way, saying what you have is "rare" to someone is not a good thing to hear. Translation: Doctors don't know what in the hell to do about it. There is no research to guide them. Your screwed.
Don't say this to someone.

For the record, I am not brave. I did not ask for this. I do not want this. I am scared as hell. What other choice does a mom have other than to pick up the pieces and move forward for her children?

I am not an inspiration, at least, I do not see myself as so. That puts pressure on me to live up to that expectation and quite frankly, I'm allowed a sh**** day every now and then. I keep my chin up for the most part, but cannot feel bad about having a good cry either. To hide those times of hurt and anger would only serve others that don't want to feel what I'm feeling.

"Your going to be just fine" is getting quite old. Unless you are God, you cannot possibly know that. I am not being negative, it's called being realistic. Something along the lines of "it sucks and I'm sorry" would be appropriate.

My intent of this post is certainly not to offend anyone. I would have said the same things to others myself. I'm moving through the stages and have to allow myself to do so. If you do not allow yourself these emotions than you may never move past the stages and reach acceptance.

Right now I'm mad as hell and have every right to be.


  1. You are most certainly allowed to be angry and scared! You go right on ahead and throw an all out temper tantrum. If you've forgotten how, ask Leila :) I'm sorry I didn't get an encouraging note written earlier...I wanted to take my time and write something meaningful and then I forgot. (not about you, just that I hadn't responded yet!) I'm praying for you. It's not fair, it is scary, and you don't have to be Miss Susie Sunshine for ANYONE. God is the only one who is in control and who KNOWS what the future holds. But, remember that He is Faithful. That doesn't always unfold the way we think it should, but He created everything and He is the best qualified to tend to it. He loves you and He will never leave you. It is a promise!

  2. Kelli,

    First, I want to say that what you are going through sucks and it isn't fair . . . I'm sorry you have to go through it. Second, I still find you to be an inspiring person . . . despite your anger and fear and uncertainty. Please don't feel the need to live up to any expectation of what an "inspiring" person is. All I'm saying is that I often relate to your posts and I often find inspiration. Just keep being YOU.

    I've been going through some health problems, and I've been feeling angry, hurt, depressed, isolated, etc... I found a book that has been of tremendous help. It's called, Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain and Illness, by Jon Kabat-Zinn. I rarely recommend books and I don't even recall the last time I did this, but I strongly recommend this book. It has really helped me to cope with my pain and illness. If you choose to read it, I hope it helps you, too.

    If there is anything I can do, please let me know. I'm ready to listen anytime you need a friend.

    God Bless,