Just a quickie

Rewind:

1st- need to start blogging again.
Why?
A) I get to live life twice
B) it's therapeutic
C) some really amazing things are happening in my life right now

Now back to the rewind button:

Since I last wrote I was diagnosed with sjogrens syndrome. I have started chemotherapy in an effort to tame my stinking immune system. Yuck.

Leila had massive reconstructive surgery to her face which is turning out beautifully (thank you Dr. Leighton, or dr dude, as Leila refers to him as. Yes I will post pictures, at some point.

Just stopped by to say hello and write a quick update. I need a keyboard for this darn I pad before I can type more---never have hit the backspace button so much in my entire life!!! But I do love you oh I pad, I do!!!

Rie

Leila's Story

In honor of Leila's Gotcha Day, here is her story.

~January 25th, 2008

We had given up on adopting. Guatemala shut down and just as we approached the top of the list for Vietnam, they closed too. Perhaps it was a sign of visions not meant to be. On this day, God told us otherwise. We received an e-mail from our adoption agency of a baby needing a home in a place we had never heard of. Tid bits of her circumstances were provided but sketchy at best, with one statement contradicting the other. She had scars from a burn of unknown origin but none of this even mattered. Those eyes told us, and our families, that this baby was meant to be ours.

We officially "accepted" the referral and made plans to travel and meet our beauty two weeks later. I sent out a mass e-mail to friends and family announcing the big news.

Two weeks later we boarded a plane that I swore would not be able to get off the ground due to it's enormous size. This would be my first time leaving our great country and needless to say I was extremely worried yet bursting with excitement at the same time.

We landed in Bishkek where we were taken to our hotel for the rest of the day and night, we would meet "Alina" tomorrow. Spending the day away was difficult, we were so close now.

Morning came and we were taken to the orphanage. I should have paid attention to the scenery and beauty of this country as we drove for hours, yet only visions ran through my head; parents holding their children for the first time, feeling her heart next to mine, looking in her eyes and telling her "I"m mommy!", checking all ten fingers and toes just as any "new parent" would do. My heart raced as we entered the gates of the orphanage. We walked up what must have been 6 steps but felt like 30. Through the doors, now I could hear the children......we were so close, so close so that no one could take this moment away from me now, or so I thought.

There was a woman holding a baby that was so tiny she looked ill. This baby looked Kyrgyz but too small and frail to be the baby we saw in the referral picture, "not her" I told myself. So I began to examine the small room for my baby. The woman holding the frail baby motions for us to come over. She speaks in Russian so our driver attempts translation: "Baby very sick, very weak, no oxygen to brain, encephalopathy, she cannot do x, y and z" then they hand her to me.

I panicked. The room began to spin and I had to sit. Everything was a blur but what I do remember is that they gave her to me, had us sit down and we took our first family picture.

I thought to myself: what do you mean "first family picture?" This is not the baby we were told about. That baby had a scar and nothing more, she was healthy, she was plump. What does this mean for her? Will she survive childhood? Will she live in a wheelchair? Is there any brain function? If we were to bring this child into our lives that needed such intense care, what would that mean for Jalyn? Can we walk away at this point? We've come so far, we've spent too much money, there would not be anymore options for us after this. We are here and I can not believe we are finding this out HERE and not THERE. I can't talk to my husband in this place, they will judge us and think we are horrible people. I must look happy and we will discuss this when we get to the hotel. I'm burning up, I can't smile, I have to leave.

The drive back to the hotel was a terrible one. We didn't speak in fear of being misunderstood by our driver, or rather, judged by our driver. I quietly wept as Tariq held my hand the entire way back.

We finally arrived and upon entering the door, my knees buckled beneath me and loudly I wailed. "What? Why? Now?" I cried. "Where do we go from here?" Calmly and in a take-charge manner Tariq said "we research, we become educated in her needs and what we can do here to help her, then we fight like hell to get her home." "So you still want to go through with this given the fact she may have serious needs?" "Yup" he says. "What will become of her if we were to walk away? Who would take her and give her the life she so deserves? God has brought us to her for a reason and we can't turn our backs on that". Instantly, the stars aligned, my heart began to slow and I was able to take it all in. I laid on the bed, wept some more and fell into the deepest sleep I've ever experienced and didn't wake until morning.

A new day. My daughter. I want nothing more than to go have the meeting we deserved to have the first time. She is mine and I am hers. Even when we as parents are blessed to have children naturally, we are not given the privilege of choosing their level of health. Whatever lies ahead for her future didn't really matter from this point on. She would have anything she needed medically speaking and I had a supportive husband and family back home. All was OK. Now all I want is to feed her, stare into those eyes and tell her I am mommy. But first, since we were Americans and in the medical field, a big day had been planned for us. We were taken to a neurological hospital where a team of doctors had breakfast waiting. We witnessed surgeries, met with patients and very quickly realized just how fortunate we are to live where we do. While I was grateful for the privilege of being given a private tour, I wanted nothing more than to be at that orphanage.

Our daughter, our baby girl. She was a daddy's girl from the very beginning.

We spent the next few days getting to know her and the staff. We arranged for one-on-one care until we could be back to take her home.

And this is where the story truly begins, the fight to bring you home.

To be continued......

A Beautiful Day

I dropped my girl off for her first day of school yesterday. "Sit with her for a minute and reassure her that it will be a great day", says the teacher, "but don't stay too long as it will make it more difficult for her".
There she was all neatly seated for her morning snack surrounded by new friends. Visions ran through my head of all the memories she will make here. Then I thought of the memories we made together the past two years. I hope she remembers those moments I thought to myself.

I crouched down next to her and looked her straight in the eyes, just the way I did when leaving her behind in the orphanage. When I begged her to fight for her life and told her of all the love she has waiting for her. How far we have come. I cleared my throat and bravely said "look at all these new friends you have, you are going to have an amazing day! Mommy's going to leave now but I will be back in a few hours, have a wonderful day my beauty". To which she bravely replied "bye mommy".

I told the teacher that I was home and to call me if she wasn't adjusting well. I turned to wave goodbye but she didn't need to see me leave. She felt so comfortable and she was so trusting. A true testament to a child's ability to overcome a tragic start and thrive.

I picked her up a few hours later. She didn't nap but she did amazing! She was even given an award ON HER FIRST DAY! An award the teacher hands out once every few months. (I can see we have an over-achiever on our hands). After giving her teacher a big hug and waving bye to all of her friends we headed home, gave her dinner and found her asleep in the highchair at 4:30. She didn't move a muscle until 8:00 this morning.

I hope going back to school doesn't put me to sleep at 4:30!!!

Letting Her Go

As I count down the days that I will have alone with my baby girl, I find myself feeling a range of emotions.

I'm excited for her. We dropped off paperwork the other day at her new school and she wrapped her tiny arms around my legs and said "bye, mama". Oh not yet darling. Not yet.

With all the therapist's coming and going and given the fact we don't really know anyone her age, the poor kid has been a little secluded. I may have taken the "bonding" stage a little too far looking back now. She has J and she has fantastic grandparents that swoop her up for lunch and dancing. My babe has been in no way deprived.

This will be great for her development, which is still delayed. There is nothing like peer influence to spark a child's eagerness to progress.

She will learn to trust other capable adults with her well being.

Then there is the other range in my emotions. I'm terribly sad. She, very likely, will be our last and only. She came into this family by unusual circumstances and we had to fight like hell for her. I have her now and I don't want to let go.

Everywhere I go she goes too. My little princess in the back seat that sings and dances during errands. I have been perfectly blessed to have a toddler that doesn't really act like a toddler. No tantrums, fits or crying unless something is terribly wrong. She has been a blessing to cart around. Just watching her take the world in minute by minute is a site I will forever cherish.

Two years together, mommy and daughter. I have been incredibly blessed to have had this time alone with my angel. But life, after all, is about change and nothing ever stays the same. Children grow and God calls for us as parents to grow as well. Being honest, this has been a deep struggle for me. But as always, I pray for God to lead my life in the direction I'm meant to go and I will gratefully follow. I have been lead back to school and my daughter has been lead to the most amazing preschool I've ever encountered. I have peace with our decision.

The time has come to let her go, even if I still keep her within arms reach.

It's Gettin Poopy In Here!

Yup. You read that title correctly.

It seems we have entered the toddler-pulls-off-diaper-leaving-poop-EVERYWHERE-phase. Good gracious me.

I'm tired of cleaning poop off the bedding, the bed rails, the floor, the mirror, the vanity, the dresser......and everywhere else I failed to mention.

I tried to spare Leila public humiliation by posting this topic, but she's going to have to deal as mama needs some help here.

Things we have tried, unsuccessfully:

Diaper backwards

Safety pinning tops to bottoms

Clothes backwards

Discipline

Potty training

A friend showed me this site so I excitedly ordered three.

Perhaps you readers have words of wisdom to share with this exhausted ma and pops, or perhaps I'm just venting as you sigh and say to me "this stage won't last forever so just hang in".

I feel better already.

The Occasion: The Princess Ball

In Attendance: Daddy, Jidu and a beautiful princess.

Activities: A magical night of dinner and dancing.

Special Moments: Jidu presented Leila with a petite corsage to match her dress. She then grabbed his hand and showed him to her room to which I said "ummmm Jidu, I don't know about this going to her room business on the first date! To which he replied "I'm too old to worry about". Here's to Leila dating much older men.

Yell or Grab the Camera???

This time of year daddy brings home lots of great stuff! Chocolates from co-workers and cookies from patients fill our home every Christmas. I turned for one second and found Leila sitting on top of the table going nuts with a chocolate bar! She had chocolate all over. I paused......yell and explain how dangerous being on top of a table is or grab my camera as soon as possible. I guess you can see what I chose.........

Dedicated

Leila had her Dedication to the Lord this Sunday.

She felt like a princess in her new outfit up on stage.

Here she is sneaking a peak!

Jalyn was very proud to be a part of his sister's big day.

My shy little love bug.

We went out to lunch afterwards, just the four of us. We had a wonderful time until...... Two people asked what was wrong with Leila's face and I cried. I am very protective of my baby and I couldn't find the words to put them in their place. I was ashamed of myself for not speaking up and angry at them for having the nerve to ask such a thing. The world is so cruel. I'm so thankful that our inner circle is so incredibly supportive and loving. Jalyn had no problem celebrating!

Her first strawberry shake! Think she's intoxicated from the delicious cream!

My boys sitting across from me, I had the best view by far.

Kisses,
Rie

Adventures of the Big Girl Bed

The time has come, Leila has begun to place one foot ever so delicately over the crib railing. She has rightfully earned her nickname "Little Monkey" as she will climb on/up anything. It is only a matter of time before she topples over.........not good.
I went and bought her the big girl bed I had envisioned her having since before she came to us. She loves the idea of her new bed being all set up in her room however, she doesn't love the idea of sleeping in it. Nope, she prefers to have playtime in the dark instead. Why not, it's So-Much-Fun! Sorry.......can you hear the sarcasm seeping through?!

We have her crib on one side and her big girl bed on the other.

Today we ran errands all morning in an attempt to wear her out so that she wouldn't care where she laid her little head. She looked drunk as I pulled her out of her car seat; eyes rolling back and limp. I placed her in her big girl bed and BAM! Her eyes opened and she started laughing. Laughing at me and my attempt no doubt. I still tried to make a go at it, what can I say? I still had faith. Then......the infamous sound of her Barbie piano. Back to the crib she went.

I've been seeking advice from all the best and coolest moms that surround me. The best advice had to be: "Our friends turned the crib up-side down so their baby could not climb OUT or GET OUT!" Now, no matter what your right or wrong meter is telling you right now, you've got to admit that piece of advice is darn clever and funny!

My thought is to absolutely baby proof her room and then let her have at it! If she wants to stay awake all night playing, well she'll be one sorry girl in the morning with all the activities we'll be sure to have planned! Eventually she should get the point right?

Just one problem, I have to remember who I'm dealing with here. She is bright, witty, focused and stubborn. She will get her way one way or the other.

I have to be smarter than the 21 month old!

Advice???? Please!!!
Rie

No Need To Ask Why.......

I vowed to exude positivity this year. The gods above continue to send challenges my way (at least this is how I view it) yet I remain determined to prove to them that in every situation I can and will find the good.

Jalyn's party was a success. The cake turned out well, well for a gal that has no idea what she's doing. The mess I made during the process was incredible! The kids went crazy when they saw the cake and even crazier when they heard I made it. Making your child's birthday cake is so worth the extra chaos. Jalyn was so excited watching the whole process from beginning to end. He chose yellow and strawberry cake layered with fresh strawberries in between. It was absolutely scrumptious.

As you can see, the party was Mario Brothers themed. Even though it was a simple party with only three boys, it is still important to me to bring all of the birthday elements together for a special day. He received amazing gifts! Lego's, Lego's....more Lego's, a marshmallow shooter, dinosaur puzzle and some new items for first grade. J is a very lucky boy.

The women of the party.

What are those silly boys doing out there?

My friend Laura came and brought her daughter Brooklynn. Tariq was on call so she came to help me out with the dinner etc.......Thanks Laura!!!

Here comes the rain I referred to early on in this post.

I received a call from the cardiologist yesterday regarding the stress test I had a week ago. The results showed that I was back into heart failure with an ejection fraction (shows how well your heart is pumping with normal being anywhere from 50-65% or even higher in some people) of 40%. My EF prior was 55-58%. To be completely honest, I shut myself in my closet (trying to shield the children from my emotion)screamed and cried and allowed myself this reaction for a few minutes...then time to suck it up, deal with it and move on with whatever needed to be done. I've beat it before and if needed, I'll beat it again. They requested that I come in today for an echo cardiogram (an ultrasound of the heart) for a more specific reading. My Mr came home immediately from work cancelling all appointments for the day and my dear mother and father-n-law came and took the children for lunch and play at their house. Tariq calmed me down, took me to lunch and then tucked me into bed. I slept from 1-6pm.

Jalyn follows me everywhere I go and I mean everywhere. Some new phase I assume. He heard my cries and wondered why. After I calmed down I explained it to him like this:

"When you were born you know that mommy's heart became very sick but with time I got better. Well, mommy's heart might be sick again, but with time it will get better again. But mommy is sad because it's not fun to be sick...right? Tomorrow mommy will go for a test to see just how sick my heart is. But everything will be OK just like it was the first time. I love you and this is in no way your fault or anyone else for that matter. We will continue to love each other and live our lives just the same, nothing will change."

His response went like this:

J: "I want to go with you to your test."

M: "Baby you cannot go, they do not allow anyone to come in the room."

J: "Well there's a waiting room isn't there?"

M: "Yes but it will be very early. Miss Laura will be here when you wake up and I might even be home before you wake".

Then he gave me the biggest hug ever and asked what was for dinner.

Things always happen for a reason and I'm a true believer in that statement. In everything, there is something be learned.

It is almost a guarantee that I will be placed on the cocktail of heart medications all over again which (pardon my french) totally sucks as they drain every ounce of energy you might have left after raising two children. However, if it means no energy verses a decreasing heart function....well then the choice is obvious.

My mother-n-law gave me a jewelry box with this scripture on the front during my bout with heart failure the first time around and since then I have read it daily.

For I know the plans I have made for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

I believe I am not in harms way, but in God's hands.

And just to lighten things up a bit, here are a few pictures of the things that make me smile and bring the most comfort.

My boy Amir. He has lost so much weight since being on thyroid medication. I'm so darn proud of the boy...and to think we made fun of his plumpness (we lovingly call him sausage on sticks because he looks like a sausage and his legs look like sticks, don't know how they hold him up:) and deprived him of his favorite snack when it really wasn't his fault at all....Bad mommy moment! Oh to have the life of a dog!

Tariq and I were cleaning out my bathroom and Leila took a liking to my velcro rollers. She kept them in her hair the entire evening! What a beauty eh?

See??? All is good in the world after all, no matter what.

Extractions, Toothfairy, Bunk bed and PTSD...What a Week!

Jalyn's adult teeth were trying to come in, yet his baby teeth are not budging. His big man teeth are coming in crooked due to the overcrowded issue going on in his mouth. The dentist gave Jalyn the option of doing the extraction right then or another day. To my surprise, he requested it to be done now and without me in the room! This was the first time he went back alone even for a cleaning! He took it like a champ. The dentist, who lives in our neighborhood and has seen Jalyn since one year of age, came out and said to me "your little man's growing up!" I cried.

We found a retired master carpenter on Craig's List that makes bunk beds to order. He had one already on hand and gave us a great deal. It was made out of fresh wood so I've been painting it the past few days in 115 degree heat.....not fun. The J man is so excited to have a whole new room. I will post pictures of the make over when it's complete.

Jalyn will have his sixth birthday party this weekend! He choose to have his closest friends over for pizza, popcorn, movie and slumber party! I'm trying my hand at a Mario cake......wish me luck!

I signed up for cake decorating classes today that start in August. I will be doing them with my dear friend Laura. We are both so excited to learn something new! Having some girl time is going to be so much fun and very much needed. Thank you to my awesome hubby who offered to watch our kids and Laura's daughter so we can do this together (her hubby works nights).

And Leila. It's been rough. Today I was told that she is struggling with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Without going into detail, she has been exhibiting concerning behaviors that we have noticed. I met with her pediatrician today. He has extensive experience treating children who have been burned and have PTSD. We will continue to provide a loving and supportive environment. At some point we will start counseling with her. It has been and will be a long road, but if being loved unconditionally has any impact, we are certainly off to a good start. Her pediatrician was amazingly supportive today. He said "since the first time you showed me her picture I've loved her. Then you brought her in to meet me and I loved her even more. She is loved by a lot of people and that has the most impact on recovery." He reassured me that he will be there for us every step of the way and that his heart is truly with us on this journey. He said that what we have done and are doing is very admirable. That meant so much to me. Just knowing that your supported by family, friends and even your doctor makes the road ahead look a little less bumpy.

Now Your My Whole Life

This morning I had music playing in my room as I was working on packing the entire family for Disneyland.
Leila came walking into the room during the last minute of a song and danced. She loves to dance.
As that song was fading, she walked over to me with her arms up in the air.
I knew what she was wanting.
She wanted a dance with Mama.
We waited for the new song to start.

Now, on my MP3 player I have lots of different music. Black Eyed Pea's, Poker Face, Flo Rider and numerous country songs. Whichever song came on we would dance, mother and daughter, fast or slow.

This is the song that came on.

I cried.

I couldn't help but think there was a higher power involved in this one.

I remember trying not to stare the first night I met you
You had me mesmerized
And three weeks later in the pale moon light taking 45 minutes just to say goodnight
I told you over and over again, I thought I loved you then

Now your my whole life
Now your my whole world
And I just can't believe the way I feel about you girl
Like a river meets a stream
Stronger than it's ever been
We've come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then

I can just see you with a baby on the way
I can just see you when your hair is turning gray
What I can't see is how I'm ever gonna love you more
But I've said that before

Now your my whole life
Now your my whole world
And I just can't believe the way I feel about you girl
Like a river meets a stream
Stronger than it's ever been
We've come so far since that day
And I thought I loved you then

My precious baby girl, I love you so much.

Our bond has grown so much since the first day we met.

This picture was taken the day of her MRI, daddy took us out to dinner.

You ate and ate, we didn't know where you were putting it!

We found out yesterday that her MRI came back completely normal.

Unfortunately, Friday was considered a holiday so the doc didn't have her records with him. He asked that we call back Monday to review what this means and discuss where we go from here. Does this mean there could be other causes? Could she just have had a negative MRI but still have CP? We are left with more questions than answers now.

Brother and sister watching a movie together.

Leila holding my Ken Barbie doll from when I was little.

Both chowing on licorice.

What a bond these two share.

Punkin Poo's Update

We are back home now and Leila did great!

They let me go back with her while they gave her the anesthesia via mask. When we walked in, the anesthesiologist held out her arms for Leila and she went right to her! She held Leila so gently in her lap, let her play with some toys attached to her name badge, held the mask near her face and sang Twinkle Twinkle in the most beautiful voice ever. It was such a calm, relaxing experience for Leila. She recognized all of the faces surrounding her and must have felt completely safe.

Off I went to the waiting room.

About 45 minutes later, the anesthesiologist came to get me. "Come on back", she said. "Leila did wonderfully. She's still sleeping, and it's best to let her sleep it off for as long as she will." As we turned the corner I saw my little girl being held ever so gently by one of my dearest friends, Kristy. What an awesome feeling knowing that my best friend was there to comfort my daughter until I got there.

Leila and I could not have asked for a better experience than that.

She is now sleeping soundly in her crib.

Thank you for your prayers, they were heard! We should find out the results tomorrow morning as the doc requested we call him directly to hear them.

Look At Me

This is her first pair of pig tails! Jalyn cracks up at that name "pig tails", he just thinks it's the funniest thing!.......boys!

She is now tall enough to open doors as you can see her proudly demonstrating below.

She also loves jewelry. Note she requested TWO bracelets today, one for each arm.

Having one of each is such a blessing.

Tomorrow is the big MRI day. We have to be up super early and Leila cannot eat or drink anything.

I will be sure to post that all went well as soon as I'm able.

Doctor's Out Our Ears......

Forget about the fact that we live with a doctor, we can't seem to stay away from them!
Leila will have her MRI to diagnose the cause of her cerebral palsy. It's a total bummer that anesthesia is needed, but answers will help to complete her lifetime puzzle. I'll be going alone which I'm a little nervous about. Tariq was unable to get the time off work at such late notice. I'm not worried about the test, more about driving home with a child that just had anesthesia and no one to keep a constant eye on her during the hour-long drive home. One of my closest friends Kristy is a nurse in the MRI department, luckily she is working that day. Also, the same anesthesiologist that was there for her surgery will be there for the testing. We love this doc.

I'll be going back to my cardiologist tomorrow. While on vacation I awoke during the night with a crushing, severe pain all across my chest. The color ran from my face and sweat poured out, I began to feel faint. With my son blissfully asleep next to me I grabbed his hand and prayed that if I indeed were having a heart attach that He would just take me now. The pain was that severe. I lied down grasping my chest unable to yell out for my husband sleeping at the back of the trailer. Thankfully the pain passed after about two minutes too long. I've since experienced pain radiating down my left arm and neck with occasional difficulty breathing and palpitations. While I pray it was nothing serious, I'm being pro-active about my health based on my heart history and because I have two of the most beautiful children at home and a very handsome husband. I'm not willing to leave them over ignorance.
***Yes I'm a nurse, yes I should have called 911, yes I am stubborn.***

Jalyn decided to get his first ever sinus infection, he's getting so old! Antibiotics and decongestant should do the trick.

I hope this is the end of it as we are leaving for the magical land of Disney very soon.

If you are reading this and are a praying person, it would truly make my day if you could pray for Leila's MRI day. Please pray that all goes according to plan. Please also say a prayer for a gorgeous little girl named Anara. She is from Kyrgyzstan as well and her mommy and daddy rock! They helped us through our most trying times in our quest to bring Leila home. Anara is having surgery as well. Thank you, I truly appreciate it!!!

It was a very difficult week for a lot of reasons.
Even though we expected the diagnosis of CP it hit us pretty hard. We've been working through the emotional aspects of it all so we can fully concentrate on the task ahead....finding Leila the best care possible.
Today I had a meeting with DDD (Department of Developmental Disabilities) to discuss whether or not Leila could qualify and if so for what. She does qualify given her new diagnosis which means she will be provided with a speech, occupational and physical therapist that will come to our home each week. In addition, a teacher will also come out to work with Leila on adapting to her disabilities.
I just want to say a quick thank you to all who sent loving messages of support.
The other day was a very difficult one where many tears were shed. I looked at the comments you all sent my way and I instantly felt supported and a feeling came over me that said "I can do this". So thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

The Diagnosis

Today Leila saw her neurologist....
We received the diagnosis we anticipated. Cerebral Palsy.

The neurologist said that the damage to her brain was more than likely caused in utero, although there is a small chance it happened after birth. Just a few of the scenarios he put out there was a possible stroke, infection of the birth mother in utero or trauma.

He was able to assess her more accurately now as she is more functional. Leila walks with her left foot slightly dragging and turned in and her left arm contracted. She does not like to use her left hand but will when she is given no other option.

The neurologist felt it is time to go ahead and order an MRI to try and place the puzzle pieces of her life together. We were warned that the results will 100% come back abnormal and to expect something to show up. I'm so thankful that this doctor is on the same page as us. We know so little of Leila's past to provide to her in the future and maybe this will aide her in knowing just what went on during her short amount of time spent in Kyrgyzstan.

MRI's in children require full anesthesia which is unfortunate. However, our dear friend Kristi works in the MRI department at Phoenix Children's so she will be well taken care of. The anesthesiologist for Leila's skin graft surgery also wants to take care of her during the MRI which is awesome as we absolutely loved her!

We were reassured that whatever the MRI shows, her disease is not progressive and she will more than likely go on to live a normal healthy life with proper management. She already attends physical therapy, speech therapy and occupational therapy so her treatment would not change at this time. The doctor felt as though Leila will likely be able to cognitively correct herself as she becomes aware.

During our hour with the doctor he kept pausing and smiling into Leila's eyes, he repeated over and over "boy did you sure get a gem!"

We sure did. As I've always said, no matter what is required her needs will be met. Let's just say I'm learning everything there is to know about the State's system for children with special needs.

Her MRI will be scheduled soon and I'll be sure to keep you posted.

Leila's zest for life continues to amaze us as she has got to be the happiest baby on the planet. The doctor noticed this too...despite all she has gone through she is so happy and trusting.

We are more than blessed to have this angel in our lives.

Thank you for your prayers both past and present as we feel and witness their effectiveness daily.

God Bless...

A Wise Friend Said....

"The pain passes, but the beauty remains." By Pierre Auguste Renoir


This friend knows exactly the pain I was talking about in my prior post. She and her husband had two failed adoptions and one successful adoption from Kyrgyzstan with similar set backs along the way.


I want to thank you Amber for the excellent quote, how true it is in our cases. One day this pain will pass and we will be able to look back at our experience and not remember the hurt as clearly.


I was lying in bed thinking about this very idea last night. People move forward and time marches on whether we are ready for the future or not. How do you honor these children's past without living in it? I don't know the answer to this yet but everyday I feel closer to finding it.

Right now last year we were in air with a crying baby... But we were on our way HOME.

The last few day's were spent in Kazakhstan. We had to drive in a VERY SMALL car for six hours and cross the boarder into Kazakhstan. There was me, Tariq, Leila, our interpreter, our guide and the driver. It was absolutely miserable. The driver was smoking even though we asked politely he not as there was a baby in the car, it was hot and Leila was miserable. When we got to the boarder there were men in uniform holding guns and yelling, utter chaos. We were told to wait as the men took our passports and paperwork for Leila while our crew made it through. Finally we made it through after about an hour, phew!

(This was us in our car ride across the boarder.)

We were now in Kazakhstan, I tried to enjoy the beauty but it was difficult with the circumstances. After getting lost in downtown Kaz looking for the International Medical Clinic for an hour longer, we finally arrived. Inside the clinic we thought we finally hit solid ground. No such luck. Our facilitator had not brought proper paperwork regarding Leila's vaccine history. She had vaccines yet we had no paper stating specifically what she had. Now we were stuck trying to get a hold of the director back in the Tokmok Orphanage for help. Our facilitator had no cell phone to use so he was stuck asking the medical clinic for help. We were now in a major city trying to contact a place in the middle of nowhere that likely does not even have a fax to get us medical paperwork ASAP! We were told it would be faxed the next morning first thing. Not having faith in this, I reluctantly agreed and we left the medical clinic. Outside we are greeted with a very unhappy cab driver. Now, we paid him a set rate to take us across the boarder and for the entire day. He was now claiming that we made him wait outside the clinic for too long and we now owe him more money. Our facilitator and cab guy get into a fight, almost to blows....it was very uncomfortable as you can imagine. We asked that he just take us to the nearest hotel. The cab driver dropped us off at the Hotel Kazakhstan and literally threw our bags out and was still demanding money. We grabbed our bags and ran into the safety of the hotel, our facilitator was still arguing with him in Russian. We were now in Kaz and had no idea where to stay. We were stuck where we were as it was getting late in the day. There were no arrangements made for us to stay anywhere so here it was. We had to pay $250 for a night plus we had to pay for a room for our facilitator and translator as he they had nowhere to go......$500 in one night!

Apparently this hotel has been redone however, we got one of the last rooms available....not redone. The tile was popping up everywhere; bathrooms, tub, shower, floors.......The faucets didn't work, the bed felt like sleeping on twigs, literally. It was here that I completely lost it. They brought us a crib we could not use as it was completely broke. I lay awake all night worrying about Leila and the way she was sleeping. I thought about our son back home and how badly I wanted to hold him. That morning before our clinic appointment I called Jalyn on Skype. Looking at him I just lost it. I cried and cried and told him how badly I missed him. I watched his eyes fill with tears and he started crying saying how badly he missed us. My parents were there to hold and comfort him, but as I hung up I felt like a terrible mom. I had managed to stay strong for the past two years enduring the emotional roller coaster that comes with International Adoption, but I just physically could not hold it in. I knew that I just did my son no favors, nor my parents that had the difficult task of cheering him up the next several hours. I felt terrible.

Tairq took over carrying Leila around for most of Kaz. I think he could slowly see me turning green by this point.

Back to the Medical Clinic we go. We are on a time limit. We have to take an envelope from the medical clinic to the Embassy in Kaz by 1:00 to receive an appointment for the next day to make our flight the following day. When we arrive to the clinic they say "we haven't received your papers yet!". Are you freaking kidding me?! Now I am irate! Phone calls are made over the next several hours. FINALLY, our translator thinks to ask if there are other faxes in the clinic.......we are told they have one other but it wouldn't go there, she asks that they look anyway. The gal comes down holding the papers. So we think we can grab the papers and go, but then they ask for passport pictures of Leila. What?! We were never told we needed these. Remember we are on a time limit with the Embassy. Where can we get these we ask? They tell us where and off we go to catch a taxi. We arrive to the photo shop and wait for two hours to take and develop her pictures. Back we go to the Medical Clinic and receive this precious envelope and run our butts off to get it to the Embassy on time. At the Embassy we are greeted by Americans.....how nice it was. This was supposed to be the scariest place, the last and final interview that would take place the next day. I was so happy to be here yet still scared as this was it. All we had to do was get through this interview and Leila would be ours. As we dropped off the envelope we are told that the pictures of Leila are not the right size! UGH! However, they were very nice and said we could bring them back anytime today and still keep our appointment for the next day.

After dropping off the pictures we find a different hotel. We settle on one right across from the Embassy, Hotel Eurasia. It was connected to a mall, weird but very nice. Our first room didn't have AC so we asked to switch which they allowed. Now, all we had to do after two weeks of ups and downs and people telling us "she's not legally yours", was walk across the road the next day at 1pm for our appointment at the Embassy for our final interview and she was ours and we could depart the next day home.

(Our dear friend Aijana was our interpreter, we love her so much. Leila refers to her as Aunt Aijana. She is from Kyrgyzstan and we speak to her often via skype. )

We got all dressed up for this big day, Leila wore her first dress that was way too big for her! I thought she had grown more so most of her clothes fell off. Our facilitator and translator met us at the hotel, mostly for support as we didn't really need them here. Everyone spoke English and all paperwork had been turned in. We left the hotel anxious as can be. If it were just Tariq and I we normally took the stairs down, but since we had more people with us and we were all dressed nicely we took the elevator. I had Leila in the carrier. On our way down the elevator stops.... WE ARE NOW STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR. We shake the doors and Tariq tries desperately to open the doors, they are stuck. Our translator is hitting/kicking the doors and screaming in Russian. I hear men outside saying something that our translator clearly does not like as she yells even louder and punches the doors, the men outside disappear and we hear nothing. I'm crying, our interpreter's crying and Leila's now crying. Tariq is still desperately trying to open something, anything. He lift's the facilitator in the air and he attempts to open the ceiling, the light bulbs break, glass goes everywhere and we are now stuck in an elevator.....in the dark. I'm looking at my watch and see our appointment time coming closer and closer...."Were going to miss our appointment!" Our translator starts yelling again, this time I hear the words Embassy. She's telling them we have a very important appointment right now! I'm literally about to have a panic attach, one of my worst fears is coming true but it's even worse than I imagined...we are in a different country. I know in America that if I were stuck in an elevator someone would come running and help, here I have no idea if they even care. All of a sudden I hear a loud clang and see something that looks like a crow bar slightly open the doors. Tariq grabs the doors and along with the crow bar they open, finally. We were dripping with sweat and tears and covered in broken glass, but we were out! We ran so fast over to the Embassy, my watch showed we are late. Maybe we can plead our case to them and get an exception? Please Dear God, Please.

We arrive up to the floor where our appointment is, escorted by armed guards. We see the lady that helped us yesterday and explain our situation to her and apologize up and down. She couldn't believe what we had gone through to get here, she told us to take a seat that we would be seen soon. Our name is called at a glass window, it is time for our interview. The Ambassador arrives and looks at Leila, "are you ready to go home my dear?" Stamp, staple, pay, receipt and here you go. "Have a safe trip home" he says, and that is it. We talk with him a bit longer as those of you that know my husband know he talks to anyone and everyone at length! We walk out with Leila and she is now officially ours, it's over. No more appointments, no worries, just an airplane ride away.......what more could go wrong (don't ever ask yourself this).

(This was us outside the Embassy, as soon as this picture was snapped a guard came up and yelled at us...opps! She was officially ours now and no one could say otherwise!)

The next day we fly out but not until late at night. We spend the day packing and give away much of our belongings to the hotel staff, less to bring home. A cab arrives at our hotel around 9pm, our flight leaves around 4am. We arrive at the airport, we wanted to be early just in case plus we were anxious but we figured there would be seats to sit/sleep on and we figured Leila would sleep there.....no such luck. Since it was after hours, there were gates up leaving us stuck in the main entrance for six hours. We did not sleep this night one bit. Finally they open the gates and we are shuffled into a line to check in. Everything goes smooth and we are sent to customs. There we are greeted by a lady in a glass box asking for our passports, in Tariq's was a little piece of paper he received when we crossed the boarder into Kazakhstan. The lady holds this paper up and says something we don't understand, Tariq replies "no we don't need that", she looks frustrated and leaves. She returns with another lady, looks like a manager or something, she says to us in broken English "this paper is the man's, where is one for woman and child?" Tariq and I look at each other and reply "we don't know, we weren't told to keep them for anything". The lady says "you don't find, you don't leave Kazakhstan. You will have to make appointment at Embassy to have this resolved." Holy Crap! We could be stuck here more days?! I panicked once again....how could this be happening, why weren't we told of the great significance this tiny paper holds? I put Leila down on the ground and she starts crying, we begin madly going through our bags and everything we own to find two tiny pieces of paper, everyone is looking at us like were nuts. We were frantic with a crying baby on the ground, must have been a site to see. Finally I found them and I stand waving them in the air like a flag! "We found them" I yelled! The lady returned with a disgusted look on her face and reluctantly let us through.

(I just took a deep breath, writing this is like reliving it.)

We were finally done. We had to get on the plane and head home.

Leila did not sleep for more than one hour. We had connections in Germany and London. Tariq and I had not slept in over 48 hours. We arrived in LA, finally on American soil. Leila is now a United States Citizen. I find a bathroom and threw Leila to Tariq, ran into women on the way in, closed the bathroom door and starting throwing up. I was so tired, so mentally exhausted, I was spent.

We arrived in Phoenix to family and friends holding signs and balloons, it was amazing! I cried as soon as I saw everyone. We were home. Jalyn was the first one to see and hold Leila, just as we wanted. He was so proud. We spent about an hour showing Leila to everyone and she was thrilled to meet them. It was like Leila knew this was her forever family and she loved them from this moment on. We came home and the grandma's swooned over Leila, feeding her, loving her, holding her, playing with jalyn and yelling at me to go take a nice warm shower. I will always love the grandmas(and grandpas) for this, they were all there when we needed them the most. How very lucky we are.

(My shirt read One Happy Mama and Leila's dress was personalized with her name on the front and an L on her bottom. I saw my Bubby and my feet couldn't walk fast enough.)

(Our first family hug.)

(Amty's girl from the start.)


Only one of a gazillion kisses from Mama (Grandma Rowland).

Nana's girl.

Leila never looked back since the day we left the orphanage, she is our daughter, grand daughter, sister, niece and friend. No matter what we went through to get her, it all was worth it. I would be lying if I said that hearing stories from people that had a great experience adopting internationally doesn't hurt. In some ways I feel robbed of the whole "gotcha day" experience, I never truly was able to enjoy my daughters birth country as it was plagued with worry, but I have made peace with our storey.

Today...one year ago....right about this time....we landed in Phoenix.

No matter how badly my heart was breaking from the mountains of delays and let-downs, I kept going. I have only begun to process what exactly we went through during two years of trying to adopt internationally. It is an emotionally painful journey that will challenge the best of marriages, but the end result is absolutely worth every minute. I look at Leila and I see reason to fight. I see a little girl that lost all she knew and still wakes up with a smile. I see the good in people and in God through her tiny eyes.

Right now there are sixty-five families in the US that already have received referrals of their babies in Kyrgyzstan and most have met their little ones. Kyrgyzstan is not processing these adoptions right now due to various reasons and many parents have taken numerous trips to check on their children. I pray that the officials will process these adoptions soon and open the country back up completely.

Passing Through The Storm

These were the days in wait.

We knew it was a possibility that we may not be bringing our daughter home. Even though this was the trip, the last, the final, the throw your feet up and relax you've got your daughter trip. Not for us it wasn't. There were terrible problems brewing in the horizon for adoptions in Kyrgyzstan and we were left to only wonder for two weeks what would become of our fate.

These were the days in between. They were long, they were hot and everyday brought about more bad news......oh wait!...some good news!.......then WHAM, more bad news to bring you down. The experience's we shared during these two weeks, one year ago today, were the most emotional days of my life. We had our daughter and we tried to stay positive about that, however, in the world of International Adoption you can never get too comfortable until you've landed on American soil.

The memories are still fresh. When I let myself go there, I start to feel sick all over again. I feel as though I have to grieve this period in my life in order to move past it. My hope is that maybe one day, maybe even next year, I will sit at this very computer and not feel sick about this time two years ago. That maybe my memories won't be as vivid and strong. Maybe it won't hurt as much. Maybe I'll be able to look through all the negative and find more positive...........Next year.

This was our life one year ago........

Our first lunch with our daughter. It was beautiful and an experience I'll never forget. They take you to a floating table on a lake by boat and leave you with menu's. By boat, they return to take your order and bring food etc. The wind was blowing and the sun was shining, what a beautiful day. Blissfully ignorant to the days ahead. Leila took a nap on the pillows while we ate.

On one of our many excursions downtown to site see, people watch and grocery shop. I carried Leila all over Kyrgyzstan and Kazakhstan just like this.......no wonder my back needed surgery:)

Leila had diarrhea. This was only one of his many loads of laundry he hand washed and dried.

It was starting to get difficult. I just wanted all the uncertainty to go away. I felt robbed. When you hear most adoptive parents speak about the trip to pick up their child, they have wonderful experiences. They had no troubles and truly were able to sit back and know everything was taken care of and enjoy their child's birth country. I wanted to enjoy it, I couldn't. We didn't even know if our daughter was coming home this trip. There was too much left to go completely wrong to relax.

The faces that kept me going. The encouragement we received from family and being able to see Jalyn's face and know that he was OK was all we needed to keep on trucking.

Over the next week or so I will be paying tribute to our trip here on my blog. I will be posting more pictures and talking about our experience a tad more.