Life felt free and your worst nightmare was forgetting your homework? When responsibilities consisted of feeding the animals, making your bed and brushing your teeth twice daily?
I remember a day back in 2003 when my responsibility became surviving post-partum cardiomyopathy, and I did. Fast forward to current. When asked by many doctors about my history it has become natural for me to mention my PPCM. Until a week ago that is. An endodontist asked "is that still what they are calling it? You know, since it came back and all?" "Well", I replied, "I guess at this point it would be just cardiomyopathy".
Then yesterday at my cardiologists office I heard him tell the nurse that my new diagnosis is cardiomyopathy. So there it was, solidified in black in white, I am no longer a PPCM survivor. I am someone battling a very different disease, cardiomyopathy.
I would never expect this new diagnosis to effect me in this way, but it has. I no longer can prevent this by not getting pregnant. I can no longer be told that this won't return. This is a whole new game I'm playing and it's darn right scary because there is no control factor here. The only thing I can do is be a responsible patient by following a medication regimen and report anything unusual to my doctor. The rest is simply up to the Good Man Himself. The ironic thing is that no matter how much I have felt like the one in control, I never have been nor ever will be.
Life is a series of ever-changing responsibilities.
I bask in the glory of the little ones and thank God for the big ones, as there is something to learn from them all.
Wow. I imagine a new diagnosis would probably sort of throw you off a bit since when we have something happen to us, we tend to find out everything can about it (so we can control it, right?!)...all of a sudden, it means a new set of unknowns, like you said.
ReplyDeletePrayers for your peace and your joy in the days of those unknowns!!!
I know that there is nothing that I could say to make things better...but just remember that you're loved and that none of us (has/have) (you pick the correct verb (wink wink)) any control over when or how our lives will transition. So in that, you are surely not alone. (Here's where I smack you on the rump and give you a giant hug).
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