Kelli-Rie's Dialogues

2012-01-10T14:22:00.000-08:00

A beautiful day at the beach!
This was taken pre-pneumonia. Leila is well and will start preschool next week! Until then, I'm enjoying having my little peanut all to myself.

Aloha
Rie

It Rains Pineapple Juice

2012-01-07T12:45:00.000-08:00

HERE.

Interesting eh? NOBODY stops what they are doing if it rains. You're at the beach? No biggie--if you run the locals know you're a tourist:) And let me tell you---locals spot them right away. We are not, but we look like we are, we act like we are, so until they realize 'hey, those folks haven't left yet?' then tourists we shall be.

I have taken SO many pictures but can not figure out for the life of me how to put them on my blog. If you are reading this and know how, please share the love and leave me a comment telling me how. I have an I-phone and blogging on my I-pad. The pictures are on my I-pad but can't get to them?

The Mr took off to finish up work in Phoenix and I really miss him.

Leila was diagnosed with walking pneumonia yesterday and seems to be getting worse. She is on nebulizers and antibiotics with a follow-up with the doctor on Sunday. I L-O-V-E our pediatrician, she is amazing.

I found a private preschool for Lei and a public school for J that is right around the corner. It was pure luck to find a spot for Lei with the waiting list and coming in mid semester. Again, meant to be.

Detroit is playing in a minute so I need to go represent. Oh, Hawaiians are real big into football! I love that!

Aloha,
Rie

Mele Kalikimaka Everyone!

2011-12-23T00:34:00.000-08:00

Boy has this Christmas season been the craziest experience ever. We are light-less, decoration-less and present-less. BUT.....

"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f****** Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.". Christmas Vacation, the ultimate Christmas experience!

just couldn't help myself! Our seemingly absent Christmas spirit this season is within reason. And besides, it's not the outwardly show of spirit that truly matters, although beautifully meaningful in its own right, it's what you carry in your heart and share with those around you that truly envelopes the meaning of Christmas.

On January 1st, 2012, we begin an experience of a lifetime.
Our family is moving to Hawaii, Oahu to be specific. We will leave behind our home in the desert and enter a new home residing less than one mile from the beach.

Why? Well first of all why not? However, the most notable reason is due to my health. The Mr applied to several places all over that had more temperate climates and oh my gosh by golly, Oahu picked us! This move was so meant to be that we are simply showing up---God has arranged everything for us.

I miss writing/blogging, it's what I love to do, it's what I hope to do more of from our seaside dwelling. Also on my list? Reconnecting with my camera, what better place to do so than paradise?

Merry Christmas to you all. May the new year bring to life new dreams, health and happiness.

XOXO
Rie

Drumroll Please....(ddddddddddddd)

2011-10-12T02:14:00.000-07:00

"In the spirit of the Clark family Christmas...." I'm only kidding but gosh do I love that movie. "That" being the good old family classic Christmas Vacation.

In all seriousness I would like to attach a letter I sent out via email to close friends and family. We are incredibly excited to help the children that are still in Leila's orphanage, many of whom we took food to while there to take Leila home. I think of the past few years and all we have accomplished in Leila's life: The therapies she's received that have helped place her in the "typically" developing category, the bonds formed between grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, multiple facial reconstruction surgeries and the list goes on. Then I think of the children we met there, that are still there, surviving on the small amounts of love the orphanage staff are able to give with so many children and so little time. This is why this year we are choosing to help the children in Kyrgyzstan orphanages not only celebrate Christmas but to provide the essential vitamins they need to survive throughout the entire year.

Would you like to help us accomplish our goal and honor Leila this holiday season? Please read the letter we sent out below. You will find the link to donate should you feel called to do so.

It's here! "Pie Challenge Time" is here! I feel totally out of my comfort zone asking for money. However, I will make an exception and swallow my pathetic pride to benefit some very precious children in Kyrgyzstan.  Every year our family does something for others at Christmas whether it be for a military family or families who have a loved one dying on hospice and are unable to provide food and gifts at Christmas for their children. This year we have chosen to help the innocent orphans in Kyrgyzstan that have been unable to leave the country due to political upheaval and the same red tape we had to cut through to get our precious Leila home.
   Our little girl is in a family where she is loved, safe, provided for, protected, well fed and receives excellent medical care. Many children of Leila's birth country are not so fortunate. Most of the children in the orphanages of Kyrgyzstan are merely surviving and many will have life long medical issues due to institutionalization and lack of proper nutrition. This year's Pie Challenge has a new twist. The donations will provide not only a small Christmas gift and a meal out but, a year's worth of vitamins for each of the 2000 children that will be sponsored this year. Here in the United States vitamins are often just an extra added boost to our nutrition. In Kyrgyzstan vitamins can truly be the difference between life and death.
     I understand that the holidays are fast approaching and money will be tight. Five dollars is a huge gift to these orphans. Many charities and organizations send you information and a place to check off a box with $20-$100+ leaving most of us to feel like cheapskates if we can't contribute that much. The Pie Challenge is not like that. Honestly, the change you dig out from under your couch cushions can be used to greatly bless someone.
     Between now and Thanksgiving would you please join me in praying for these special children? PRAYERS AND PENNIES ARE POWERFUL! If you would like to donate you can follow this link:  http://actofkindness.blogspot.com/p/pie-in-face-for-orphans.html There is a "DONATIONS" button on the right side of the screen beneath the list of Pie Challenge participants. Please be sure to put my name in the memo if you decide to donate so that it can be applied towards my total so that my children can take turns hitting me with the pies ;) Jalyn has agreed that he will take a pie in the face with mom if we can reach our family goal of $500. We will post the pictures on my blog: www.riesdialogues.blogspot.com Together we can bring hope and health to the orphans of Kyrgyzstan. Thank you so much for your prayers.

Best,
Kelli Al-Mutawa and Family

Just a quickie

2011-10-03T21:57:00.000-07:00

Rewind:

1st- need to start blogging again.
Why?
A) I get to live life twice
B) it's therapeutic
C) some really amazing things are happening in my life right now

Now back to the rewind button:

Since I last wrote I was diagnosed with sjogrens syndrome. I have started chemotherapy in an effort to tame my stinking immune system. Yuck.

Leila had massive reconstructive surgery to her face which is turning out beautifully (thank you Dr. Leighton, or dr dude, as Leila refers to him as. Yes I will post pictures, at some point.

Just stopped by to say hello and write a quick update. I need a keyboard for this darn I pad before I can type more---never have hit the backspace button so much in my entire life!!! But I do love you oh I pad, I do!!!

Rie

You Asked For It......Sulta-li-a-no!

2011-05-27T19:33:00.000-07:00

I haven't a clue why I bestowed him an "Italian-themed-nickname," it simply flew from my mouth as freely as the word ~~shit~~ crap does.

I will never forget the night Sultan arrived. His flight was late therefore the Mr picked him up alone. I remember the Mr calling and saying "we've got our self a big one," like he was out fishing for another son or such. Men.

If I may ~~speak~~ type openly and honestly, as a mother, I certainly had my reservations about a young boy moving into a home with two young children----I believe any mother would. As with most decisions, I went with my gut (and the mr's) and our guts didn't lie.

That amazing, miraculous, wondrous night, was the beginning of a family taking a new shape--a rounder shape--a completed circle.

What he has taught our children, heck! what he has taught us about teenagers, is priceless.

But I bet what you really want to know is HOW he came to be OURS. His father is a friend of our adoption agencies liaison whom accompanied us to Kyrgyzstan for our first visit. One night, he took us out to dinner and dancing (and I had to eat horse). We immediately clicked, despite the fact that we spoke no Russian and he spoke no English. One would say something then wait for the translator and the table would erupt in chuckles. We exchanged e-mails and kept in touch.

Sultan is a US citizen but lived in Kyrgyzstan with his family until his sophomore year of high school in which he was sent to live with extended family in Colorado. Unfortunately for his senior year, the extended family underwent a financial crisis and could no longer look after Sultan. His dad called us in a panic one evening and we agreed, just like that.

Jalyn and Leila refer to Sultan as "brother" as well as Leila. We are privileged to call him a son and will forever look after his needs, guide him through life and laugh at all the silly, and sometimes inappropriate jokes we share together.

Life is certainly a little more sweet these days.

Now----were off to Michigan! Can't wait to catch up with old friends, family and feel the arms of Michigan firmly wrapped around my soul.

XOXO
Rie

Random Ramblings

2011-05-11T12:46:00.000-07:00

So you found me eh??? Being back here feels a bit like coming home.....I feel comfortable here.

I don't have much to say, really. I feel like poop most days as my joints ache, burn, swell and become stiff. Putting two feet on the ground in the morning simply takes too much effort and energy at times.

Docs think it's RA (rheumatoid arthritis) and now their out to prove it. I just want medicine to make it better already. Feeling crummy can be down right depressing---especially when the children's laughter echos down the hall and into my bedroom and I am reminded of what my body is keeping me from enjoying.

I am counting the days until I can see my mama and daddy, feel their warm hugs and enjoy that beautiful Michigan breeze. We are ALL going........my hubby and Sultan this time! The kiddo's are beyond thrilled and I'm counting the days til I can wrap my arms around this turkey:

Just look at those baby blues---and to think I haven't held her since she was newly born (insert sad face here). I miss out on so much being here in Arizona, away from my Michiganders. My mom, dad, sis, bro, aunts and friends all do their best to call me often, fill me with updates, throw Peyton on the phone so that I may sing with her---all in an effort to help me feel closer to home. I crave the support of having my mother live close to me, especially these days. I need her more than ever. Countless days I would have called and asked her to come sit with me, talk to me, love on my babies. I would have begged her to get me out of the house and have lunch together, something, just to help me feel human again. Then again, I know I wouldn't have to beg as she is always one step ahead knowing just what I need.

It gets so lonely here in AZ while fighting an illness when all you want is your mom, who just happens to be over 2000 miles away. Melissa, Rebecca.......you two rock! Your support is unyielding and your friendship only grew stronger during difficult times and will never be forgotten.

I don't always have pleasant thoughts to write about, therefore I haven't written. But with the support of my friends and particularly my Aunt Daleann, I will write----even when I feel I have nothing to say that anyone would want to read.

XOXO

Rie

2010-07-27T09:35:00.000-07:00

I am no longer blogging here.......You can find me at: www.riesdialogues.com

See you there!

The Day Has Come

2010-07-25T19:26:00.000-07:00

As the sunset's on one chapter of my life, a new chapter awaits.

I have been blogging now for over two years, never really knowing where it would take me. I have learned something new about myself throughout this journey with every type of a single letter, as I ponder my life as it stands within the moment.

Typing my life has allowed me to live moments twice, once in person and again in writing. I have learned along the way that life is not about finding ourselves, it's about creating ourselves. In the depths of our souls we carry with us our future achievement's that will one day blossom, giving us the power to release our dreams turning them into reality.

May I introduce to you, my new baby:
www.riesdialogues.com

Starting tomorrow, Monday, July 26th, the GRAND GIVEAWAY BEGINS!
Join me in celebration as I celebrate you in return!
See you there!

XOXO
Rie

Ya'll Come Back Now Ya Hear???

2010-07-15T19:24:00.000-07:00

I hear the thunder of rolling waves, feel the drips of humid ocean air on my skin, and red ice cold strawberry daiquiri's are calling my name.

I am off folks, to put my bum in the sand and my worries to the wind. Watch my kiddo's place their tootsie's in the warm sand and splash in ocean water.

Taking a blogger break for the week. You bet your day-of-the-week undies (seriously, did we all have those as kids?) that I will be back!

I have been working around the clock with my web designer and participating businesses in anticipation for the launch of the new Rie's Dialogues! We have added an amazing lady to the list, check her out here: Tina Steinberg Now go and wipe that drool off your face!

Monday the 26th is the the day (tentatively speaking, you know how these things go) that we will launch my amazing new site! I'm going to even bring a little work with me to that island getaway.......but truly, I don't consider my blog work! This is my new baby and I'm ever so proud to share it with you all.

See you back soon!
XOXO
Rie

Jumping Back Into Civilization

2010-07-13T18:25:00.000-07:00

It's harder than I imagined. I went from not even a second of free time to lots of free time, however, it's not all that free. Everything piled up while my mind focused on school and I find myself playing catch up: Planning Jalyn's birthday party, fundraising for his football team (insert here: God bless all you moms out there that do it, talk about a full-time job in itself), completing forms required for the nursing program to which I was formally accepted a few days ago (insert here: what the hell did I get myself into?), creating a new Star Wars room as a birthday gift to J (insert here: what the hell did I get myself into?), finishing the final touches to my new blog site and dealing with technical difficulties on my end (insert here: COX man coming to home tomorrow), deciding how exactly the children will be taken care of during the next year in hell or something close to it, oh, and washing, drying, and folding mountains of laundry that I swear NEVER disappears!

A few things I have found myself to be sure of.

1. I frequent a few places far too often.

Case in point- I pulled up to Walgreen's, and no more than the front of my van was visible (insert here: yes I drive a mom mobile and you drive a Lexus SUV, you suck) and the lady says through her loudspeaker "for Jalyn?"

OK so some parents in the medical field choose to let illness ride out saying things such as you don't need antibiotics for that, it won't help the illness go away any faster... blah blah blah. In my family? If there's a medication that can help ease the aches, pains, rashes, ear infections, red throats, and gosh darn stuffy noses then by gosh, I've got something for it. Seriously, why let yourself be miserable while "riding it out". Nope not me.

2. I pull up to Starbucks and simply place my order. The lady says, again over loudspeaker, "why did you switch from black to green tea?" Seriously people, the least you can do is pipe it down and say this stuff quietly and preserve an inch of what's left of my dignity.

So I've got problems? What mom trying to maintain her right mind doesn't? "Good" moms I suppose. Well I took myself off that list long ago. I am content with being me, the good, the bad, and yes the ugly--all of us moms have the "uglies" but some are chicken to own up to it. I call these times of poor discretion "bad mommy moments." I cry, feel awful, and tell myself they will never remember these "ugly" moments because I provide plenty of amazing ones too.

XOXO

Rie

8 Years

2010-07-07T09:32:00.000-07:00

my mr and i have been married eight years now

in the past eight years we've....

-married--adopted a dog--moved--bought a home--mr had new job--adopted second dog--had ovarian cancer scare--surgery--pregnant--dog lost eye sight, $5000 to restore it--gave birth--heart failed--six months where i couldn't be mommy--hysterectomy--mr received offer to start hospitalist practice with other physicians--went without income for one year--bad timing, was in process of building new house--moved--adopted another dog--gall bladder failed, of all things--hospitalized for meningitis for two weeks--mr traded the fast life for hospice gig--began process for adoption--traveled around the world, twice--two years and a whole lot of money pass--daughter is added to our family--back goes out--spinal fusion--heart failure returned........and now were to the present.

some marriages are built with sticks upon stilts.

our marriage is built with two-ton boulders piled on top of each other with concrete heavily slathered in between.

no amount of wind will blow us down.

thank you for the beautiful weekend of rest and relaxation. but most importantly, thank you for building this home and this life with me.

here's to many more years together

xoxo

rie

the load is off my shoulders

2010-07-02T10:18:00.000-07:00

school is over

4.0 baby!!!

i doubted myself

i've cried nearly every hour since finding out

gotta work on that confidence issue

my children left to spend a week with grandparents

i miss them

my babies

i've put them to bed

i woke them up

and took them to school

for the last month, I barely saw them

i miss them

my mr did...

dishes

laundry

baths

dusted

vacuumed

children

and worked

it is our 8th anniversary

he will be deeply rewarded

he knows how great he is

i am super lucky and don't need to write about it

but i am anyway

i want the world to know

i am blessed

keep watch

next week is big

and i know you wanna win

i have some amazing chicks in my life as well

and they are gonna shower you

like crazy

let it be

life will always be what it will

all turns out in the end

the way it is meant to

xoxo

rie

my name is rie

2010-06-23T19:27:00.000-07:00

and i'm an addict

starbucks addict that is

i swear they put crack in that stuff

and i'm not talking just the drinks
blueberry muffins, gum, mints...
it's in everything with a starbucks logo

it must be
or there would be something terribly wrong with me
right?

i'll give myself ten more days
ya know
to deal with this addiction

after that i will break it
i will

what are you laughing at
you don't think i can?

thanks--

well i'm in school with two kids at home
what's your excuse?

i thought so....

xoxo
rie

june june go away

2010-06-21T20:04:00.000-07:00

this month has been so difficult---
1. laundry is piled a mile high
2. the pantry is empty
3. flowers are drooping from lack of attention
4. dogs are lonely
5. i miss my children dearly
6. the house is a wreck
7. i am a terrible blogger
8. and I cried the other day

But...
1. my mr. cleaned, folded and put every mountain away
2. i have already planned my homemade menu for the entire month of july
3. the garden is thriving, i may just be a gardener after all
4. dogs have received some awesome treats--they love when mom feels guilty
5. my children don't give two hoot's about me--they love school and miss it on weekends
6. i have the rest of my life to care about a messy house
7. i will make it up to you beyond your imagination when the new site is launched
8. it felt so good to cry

and...
my mr. put on our wedding song and we danced, barely moving our feet; holding one another so close
that song meant more today than it did 8 years ago
and just like that all the stress in the world disappeared

as stressful as life is today, i am so thankful for this opportunity i have been given. heck, i haven't watched tv in so long our dvr is overloaded---i spent way too much time in front of that thing anyway.

i am learning about different religions and have developed a stronger appreciation for them.
i am learning how to write better--i guess--trying real hard to be positive here

even when times are difficult, if you look around, there is always something positive happening...

xoxo
rie

Please.....

2010-06-14T21:57:00.000-07:00

buckle your seat belts--it's about to get bumpy.

Please bear with me this week as I struggle to complete my 15 page research paper and two essays.

I have been working around the clock to crank these papers out; not to mention feeding hungry mouths, bathing dirt-soaked bodies and nestling little creatures soundly in bed.

Oh! And how could I forget the best part?! Re-designing Rei's space, it's going to be great and completely Rie!

XOXO
Rie

Reflections of One Crazy Day

2010-06-11T19:59:00.001-07:00

When the sun has set and the moon rises into the warm summer sky I-- apply my chap stick, mist my pillow with lavender vanilla, climb into bed pulling the covers up around my shoulders, kiss my husband and reflect upon the day in which I have just had the pleasure of living.

Am I proud of what I accomplished today?

Did I treat those around me as I would like to be treated?

Did I do something nice for somebody?

Did I say a prayer for some anonymous person in passing?

Sometimes, I fall short. On nights such as these, I wonder how I can do different tomorrow.

Life can become so hectic; we feel like the world is spinning when standing completely still--And then we forget to be thankful and follow the cardinal rule.

Today my life was hectic in every way possible. But tonight, when the moon rises above our home and my feet follow that familiar path, I will lay my head down and feel nothing but peace because I:

Treated everyone around me with respect and the attention they deserved.
Have done all I can to ensure that the children that want to play football, WILL.
Taught the little girl next door how to pick tomatoes and a chili pepper from my garden.
Formed amazing new friendships.
Had an amazing conversation with someone that reminded me that life is too short to focus on what other's choose to do or rather, not do; to focus my attention on my choices--Karma Baby!

The icing on the cake??? Someone accidentally took Leila's backpack home with them from school which had her beloved "aimpies" (her blanket she has slept with every night since landing in the U.S.). The owner of the school tracked it down, picked it up from that little girls house and hand delivered it right to my doorstep. Seriously, God led us to this school. We are so blessed to be a part of their family.

"There is a wonderful mythical law of nature that the three things we crave most in life--happiness, freedom and peace of mind--are always attained by giving them to someone else."
Peyton Conway March

XOXO
Rie

Ramblings of a Busy Woman

2010-06-08T20:40:00.000-07:00

Please bear with me while my think-tank is overflowing.

I am in the midst of writing a 15 page research paper that is due in 2 1/2 weeks! EEEKKK! Summer school is for the birds, or at least those with less commitments than myself.

I will share with you my first day:
On the first day of class I spoke to many of the gals next to me. Although I knew they must be younger than me, I could not only hold a conversation with them but I actually thought of them to be of a more intelligent breed than your normal teenager so they must be mid-twenties. I thought to myself "I've still got it! I can do this whole going back to school thing even though I'm old." So......I throw it out there, the question of all questions, "so how old are you guys anyway?" 17 they all replied except for maybe one or two others in their early 2o's. Are you freakin kidding me????? 17?! Come to find out they are still in high school! Something about an "ace" program.....who the heck knows. What I do know is I am nearly 15 years older than these girls! Did you get that, 15! When I told them my age, they replied "you don't look that old". Ummm, is that a compliment? I'm still trying to figure that one out. One girl says: "You're going to be like Jennifer Aniston, 40 years-old and fabulous looking". Note to self: Keep that girl around.

More on Leila's story to follow. It's just not something I want to throw together, is simply means too much.
I'm hoping to announce an update on the grand opening for my new blog very soon...........

Leila's Story

2010-06-04T15:05:00.000-07:00

In honor of Leila's Gotcha Day, here is her story.

~January 25th, 2008

We had given up on adopting. Guatemala shut down and just as we approached the top of the list for Vietnam, they closed too. Perhaps it was a sign of visions not meant to be. On this day, God told us otherwise. We received an e-mail from our adoption agency of a baby needing a home in a place we had never heard of. Tid bits of her circumstances were provided but sketchy at best, with one statement contradicting the other. She had scars from a burn of unknown origin but none of this even mattered. Those eyes told us, and our families, that this baby was meant to be ours.

We officially "accepted" the referral and made plans to travel and meet our beauty two weeks later. I sent out a mass e-mail to friends and family announcing the big news.

Two weeks later we boarded a plane that I swore would not be able to get off the ground due to it's enormous size. This would be my first time leaving our great country and needless to say I was extremely worried yet bursting with excitement at the same time.

We landed in Bishkek where we were taken to our hotel for the rest of the day and night, we would meet "Alina" tomorrow. Spending the day away was difficult, we were so close now.

Morning came and we were taken to the orphanage. I should have paid attention to the scenery and beauty of this country as we drove for hours, yet only visions ran through my head; parents holding their children for the first time, feeling her heart next to mine, looking in her eyes and telling her "I"m mommy!", checking all ten fingers and toes just as any "new parent" would do. My heart raced as we entered the gates of the orphanage. We walked up what must have been 6 steps but felt like 30. Through the doors, now I could hear the children......we were so close, so close so that no one could take this moment away from me now, or so I thought.

There was a woman holding a baby that was so tiny she looked ill. This baby looked Kyrgyz but too small and frail to be the baby we saw in the referral picture, "not her" I told myself. So I began to examine the small room for my baby. The woman holding the frail baby motions for us to come over. She speaks in Russian so our driver attempts translation: "Baby very sick, very weak, no oxygen to brain, encephalopathy, she cannot do x, y and z" then they hand her to me.

I panicked. The room began to spin and I had to sit. Everything was a blur but what I do remember is that they gave her to me, had us sit down and we took our first family picture.

I thought to myself: what do you mean "first family picture?" This is not the baby we were told about. That baby had a scar and nothing more, she was healthy, she was plump. What does this mean for her? Will she survive childhood? Will she live in a wheelchair? Is there any brain function? If we were to bring this child into our lives that needed such intense care, what would that mean for Jalyn? Can we walk away at this point? We've come so far, we've spent too much money, there would not be anymore options for us after this. We are here and I can not believe we are finding this out HERE and not THERE. I can't talk to my husband in this place, they will judge us and think we are horrible people. I must look happy and we will discuss this when we get to the hotel. I'm burning up, I can't smile, I have to leave.

The drive back to the hotel was a terrible one. We didn't speak in fear of being misunderstood by our driver, or rather, judged by our driver. I quietly wept as Tariq held my hand the entire way back.

We finally arrived and upon entering the door, my knees buckled beneath me and loudly I wailed. "What? Why? Now?" I cried. "Where do we go from here?" Calmly and in a take-charge manner Tariq said "we research, we become educated in her needs and what we can do here to help her, then we fight like hell to get her home." "So you still want to go through with this given the fact she may have serious needs?" "Yup" he says. "What will become of her if we were to walk away? Who would take her and give her the life she so deserves? God has brought us to her for a reason and we can't turn our backs on that". Instantly, the stars aligned, my heart began to slow and I was able to take it all in. I laid on the bed, wept some more and fell into the deepest sleep I've ever experienced and didn't wake until morning.

A new day. My daughter. I want nothing more than to go have the meeting we deserved to have the first time. She is mine and I am hers. Even when we as parents are blessed to have children naturally, we are not given the privilege of choosing their level of health. Whatever lies ahead for her future didn't really matter from this point on. She would have anything she needed medically speaking and I had a supportive husband and family back home. All was OK. Now all I want is to feed her, stare into those eyes and tell her I am mommy. But first, since we were Americans and in the medical field, a big day had been planned for us. We were taken to a neurological hospital where a team of doctors had breakfast waiting. We witnessed surgeries, met with patients and very quickly realized just how fortunate we are to live where we do. While I was grateful for the privilege of being given a private tour, I wanted nothing more than to be at that orphanage.

Our daughter, our baby girl. She was a daddy's girl from the very beginning.

We spent the next few days getting to know her and the staff. We arranged for one-on-one care until we could be back to take her home.

And this is where the story truly begins, the fight to bring you home.

To be continued......

The Best Day

2010-06-02T20:35:00.000-07:00

It's as though I stopped off at a rest stop for two weeks. It was a scenic place where adequate time was taken to stop and smell the desert blooms, in fact, we built entire gardens.

We celebrated life and family, cried over home videos and had open discussions on how life's tragedies have shaped each of us as individuals.

We dipped ourselves in pool water warmed by the desert sun as the sun set below the horizon. While music softly played and children giggled in the background, I did what I do best, prepared a delicious menu for my loved ones to enjoy.

Once children were bathed and snuggled tight in their beds, the adults enjoyed libations and uninterrupted conversations. Warm soft breezes blew through my hair while dogs peacefully slept scattered in the cool grass.

Today I left that rest stop and returned to my journey on the freeway. Although the pace is faster than I'd prefer, it is still my journey and one that I've chosen for myself.

I will close my eyes and remember the cool nights, grateful hearts, content children and full bellies when my speedometer is a little to far to the right. Those are the sacred moments we hold dear.

Mom and Dad, I had the best day with you.

I Just Can't Hide It!

2010-05-28T20:27:00.000-07:00

It's time that I let you all in on the plans for Rie's Dialogues, and I'm so gosh darn excited I can hardly contain myself!

Rie's Dialogues is currently being redesigned and moving to it's very own website to allow for more creativity and freedom on my part.

The most wonderful part of all is that I get to thank you, my delicious readers whom I adore, by having a GRAND GIVEAWAY! I appreciate the fact that you tune in to my little space to read what I have to say, it just totally melts my heart.

Here is just a taste of the wonderful ladies in my life willing to gift you, just for being you!!!

*Blue Lily Photography

*Crystal B Handcrafted Jewelry

*Citefuzz

*Single Stone Studios

*The Vintage Pearl

*Atomic Creative Designs (The lady responsible for creating my new design!)

Stay tuned for all of the details and updates as to when the launch of the new Rie's Dialogues will take place!

XOXO
Rie

Out In The Garden

2010-05-27T08:32:00.000-07:00

Lord knows I have b**c**d and groaned about the place in which we live.

If only I lived here or if only I lived there I would do X, Y and Z.

Well today, X happened.

I may end up with a death rate of 90% (and no this has nothing to do with my being a hospice nurse), but at least I tried.

I planted a garden... in the desert.

By gosh, I cannot change my circumstances so I decided to change my attitude.

I kept saying to myself "we don't have the right backyard, or the right amount of sunlight in any given area, the soil here is horrible." Yet I watched as many here in the desert planted and enjoyed the fruits of their efforts.

So why not me?

The children enjoyed playing in the dirt and helping mama.

And here, you see? The fruits of my labor.
A perfect green pepper.

And delicious cherry tomatoes that taste like sugar and "real tomatoes" as my family puts it.

Just like everything in life, there is no perfect moment, no perfect conditions to try something new. Simply, our fears should not guide our actions. Sure I've pulled out a few

dead plants, and perhaps I will have spent more while trying to save more but in the process I'm learning about myself and how can you put a price on that?

XOXO

Rie

Pain and Gain

2010-05-25T20:24:00.001-07:00

Another surgical procedure, another tough week. This old back of mine just won't cooperate. And I need it to cooperate more than ever! I've just been accepted into nursing school for the fall to complete my RN!!!

Not only that, but some super exciting things are happening here at Rie's Dialogues.
Some super big changes, and some SUPER BIG GIVE-AWAYS that I promise YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS!!!

It's going to be so amazing.

Stay tuned.......

A Piece of Home.....

2010-05-21T21:39:00.000-07:00

Actually a BIG piece of home is here with me now and I am gobbling up every bit of it. If I couldn't go to that dock, by gosh the man responsible for building that dock came to me. After reading my post about that "little old dock", my dad said when mowing the lawn yesterday he looked at the dock and began to cry (sorry dad for exposing your sensitive side). I don't think he knew how special that small piece of earth is to me. How I appreciate the effort and work it took to build it. I love it all, everything my mom and he created, because all the little things have made me the woman I am today. I hope they realize that.

I spent the afternoon preparing my homemade chicken pot pie because there is nothing better than coming off a long flight to a home cooked meal. After one bite my dad said "this reminds me of my grandma's". WOW, I was speechless. There is no greater compliment I could have received.
(An apron I made for my sister-n-law)

Simply put, they are EXACTLY what I needed right now.

I'm going to be taking a small blogger break to celebrate my beautiful girl (more to come on that soon), and to prepare for the difficult days that are to follow (more on that to come as well).

Rie

New Day

2010-05-18T12:40:00.000-07:00

One of God's greatest gifts is that we awake to a new day where the problems of yesterday are just that, the problems of yesterday.

A new diagnosis will not change who I am at my core; wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, and above all, faithful.

A new diagnosis may change my direction but it will not change my soul nor the people that ride along on this journey with me.

So while I wait for the results, I will not let worry consume the here and now.

I am A-OK.

That Little Old Dock

2010-05-14T13:03:00.000-07:00

I have been a terrible blogger this week. Truth is I wanted to tell you, my extended family, what has been weighing on my heart but for some reason I had a very difficult time writing it.

Turns out that what doctors thought was post-partum cardiomyopathy (heart failure brought on by pregnancy) may not be what I have/had at all. The Mr and I had our suspicions since day one that my immune system was to blame and we told everyone so. However, there was neither a person that took us seriously or the research to guide them so my diagnosis stood.

It turns out that I may very well have an immune system disorder in which your antibodies will attack your heart/lungs if a foreign body (fetus) is presented. This would also explain why my heart failure returned because with PPCM heart failure NEVER returns unless you were to get pregnant again.

I was told to have another child would be fatal therefore doctors recommended a hysterectomy. Now, if this new diagnosis is correct, I could have had more children biologically.

A firm believer in everything that's meant to be will happen, I know if anything had been different, we wouldn't have our little Kyrgyz princess and I simply can not imagine a life without her in it.

With that being said though, the choice was taken away from me. If I wanted today to have another biological child, well, I can't.

It sucks.

The one place that could ease this pain is home. Home in Michigan, 2000 miles away, where in the backyard lies a humble little dock extending over a pond. I want nothing more than to dangle my feet over it's edge and watch the movement of the water distort images of trees and birds.

All of my problems growing up were pondered on that dock. Oh those problems seemed so big at the time; boys, mean girls, bad grades. I needed nothing more than a little time on that dock and I would have a certain inner peace about life. It is a magical little place.

My life reflects the life of that little dock. I've faced the harsh elements and they've left their scars and splinters. The elements may rock and weaken it's boards but because it was built with care and purpose, it will withstand the test of time.

This was the dock that built me.

MY Wild Thing

2010-05-11T19:08:00.001-07:00

"Mom! Taste this, tell me if it tastes OK!" Jalyn proclaims as he shoves his chocolate milk, no ice extra whip Starbucks treat in my face. So, I taste.

"HA HA!!! You just tasted my burp!" he yells loud and proud as he swiftly runs away.

For our Friday Family Movie Night we watched Where the Wild Things Are....I live with two wild things of the human race and three of the canine. My house can feel like one gigantic hut where things are naturally destroyed and chaos is a way of life.

Boys are an interesting species. They are batty and berserk; inquisitive and intrusive; independent and informal. Requiring little more than an open range to explore and mark their territory, seriously. Did you know that boys pee on anything, anywhere and actually prefer the yard to a toilet?

With all the lunacy a boy brings you would think we, moms of boys, would be admitted to the nut house ***Visiting hours closed between 7pm and 8am*** But the love of a boy is exclusive and rare and a mother's true privilege. They fiercely adore and defend our honor, enjoy our embraces for much longer than girls and would readily give their last Lego if our life depended on it.

Yes my boy is a wild creature whom at times can be difficult to tame---but do I really want him to evolve into a more docile form of species? That would in fact, deny his true authentic self, his genuine boyhood.

Goo-Goo eyes from my son sends flutters to the depth of my very soul. I love the boy, completely and true. Caveman-like qualities and all. My Wild Thing has me--hook line and sinker, right where I'm meant to be.

A Mother's Heart

2010-05-06T09:12:00.000-07:00

I am team mom for Jalyn's football team, the Vipers.

On his team is a young mom of two children. She looks 20 at best and her children are 13 and 8. You do the math........does it add up? It didn't to me either. Recently I've become closer to this mom and we had a chat.

Her sister passed away from post-partum cardiomyopathy after the birth of her second son. Sound familiar? At the tender age of 18 my friend adopted her sisters two sons and gave them a wonderful life. She is beautifully mature and these are her children, no one would know any different.

The love and depth of commitment I see on her face for these children takes my breath away.

At this moment I am so grateful for my life. I may never know why my life was spared, but I do know that had fate had other plans for me you would see the same depth of love and commitment on these four women's faces for my children.

Women are the glue that holds a family together. We are there for each other in times of desperation and in joy.

We celebrate each others strengths and bridge the gap of our weaknesses.

We blissfully love their children as our own, a love only another mother knows.

Had my life ended, these women would have carried on my legacy through my children. There is no greater gift in the world.

I would not be the mother I am today without the divine intervention of these women. They stood for me in unity when I couldn't stand for myself.

You four women have moved heaven and earth for me at some point during my life. Our lives will always be linked as women who came to be family by circumstance but stand together by choice.

XOXO,
Rie

Super Husband. Super Dad.

2010-05-05T11:13:00.001-07:00

Today I rolled over in bed and painfully placed my feet on the floor. I needed to get Leila to school and return home to rest.

The house was still, not a noise to be heard.

Leila was at school and so was J. My husband, that wonderful man, that wonderful man.

The hustle and bustle of life can tune out all of the wonderful things that people do for us daily. My Mr. had a busy day of work ahead yet he managed to get both kiddo's out of the house and to school so I could rest my achy back and legs for a little while longer.

Sunday morning he came in from the garage bearing all sorts of meats from the fridge. Soon the house was filled with all sorts of delicious smells; garlic, onions and bbq out on the grill. "You won't feel like making dinner the next few days so I'm making them for you" he says.

Date nights consisting of movies and fancy dinners all have their place in a happy marriage but what is most romantic to me is my Mr's ability to foresee my needs in the near future and meet them.

My mother-n-law has been so helpful as well and I can't thank her enough. Kids were bathed and nestled snug in their beds the night of my procedure. She picked them up from school yesterday and I was told not to make dinner tonight, Jidu will be bringing something delicious over.

It takes a small army to keep a family functioning when a mom or dad is not up to par. I couldn't be more grateful for the friends and family that surround us and jump into our places so flawlessly that the children don't even bat an eye at the changes.

I am one lucky woman.

Dream Land

2010-05-03T12:43:00.000-07:00

Today I had double steroid injections into my lower back in the hopes of warding off another surgery for many years.

The only word that's coming to mind right now is OUCH!!!

So........I'm under the weather today and will write my next post in a few days.

My favorite thing EV-AR is napping with my furry sons. Their warm bodies and soft fur are a delicious recipe for a long afternoon snooze.

Kisses,

Rie

A Beautiful Day

2010-04-27T13:54:00.000-07:00

I dropped my girl off for her first day of school yesterday. "Sit with her for a minute and reassure her that it will be a great day", says the teacher, "but don't stay too long as it will make it more difficult for her".
There she was all neatly seated for her morning snack surrounded by new friends. Visions ran through my head of all the memories she will make here. Then I thought of the memories we made together the past two years. I hope she remembers those moments I thought to myself.

I crouched down next to her and looked her straight in the eyes, just the way I did when leaving her behind in the orphanage. When I begged her to fight for her life and told her of all the love she has waiting for her. How far we have come. I cleared my throat and bravely said "look at all these new friends you have, you are going to have an amazing day! Mommy's going to leave now but I will be back in a few hours, have a wonderful day my beauty". To which she bravely replied "bye mommy".

I told the teacher that I was home and to call me if she wasn't adjusting well. I turned to wave goodbye but she didn't need to see me leave. She felt so comfortable and she was so trusting. A true testament to a child's ability to overcome a tragic start and thrive.

I picked her up a few hours later. She didn't nap but she did amazing! She was even given an award ON HER FIRST DAY! An award the teacher hands out once every few months. (I can see we have an over-achiever on our hands). After giving her teacher a big hug and waving bye to all of her friends we headed home, gave her dinner and found her asleep in the highchair at 4:30. She didn't move a muscle until 8:00 this morning.

I hope going back to school doesn't put me to sleep at 4:30!!!

Where is He?

2010-04-21T16:19:00.000-07:00

If you're thinking about tomorrow, you're not living today.

Today is so wonderfully beautiful for it's very own reason, though we may not always see it.

I have every reason to think about tomorrow. I almost died after my son was born. There was more than a possibility he would be raised by his father and without a mother. I went into a deep depression. I can still hear the echo's of well-intentioned people saying "stay positive", "there have been studies showing that negative things happen to negative people", "where is your faith?" and the ever-SO-not-helpful "everything will be just fine". I did not raise my son for six months, therefore we did not bond until much later. I did not even feel like a mother. I had no energy to fix a bottle, change a diaper or feed my handsome boy.

The years ahead were filled with challenges; hysterectomy, cancer scare (twice), meningitis, gall bladder removal and eventually the return of my heart failure. And throughout I would continually ask "why me?"

When my daughter was burned and then left to die on someones front door step in the middle of an incredibly harsh winter, I wondered, where is God in all of this?

Science is science. Our anatomy is fragile, things go terribly wrong. Physics are physics. When tragedy strikes it's Christian nature to ask "where is God in all of this"?

Where was God when I was fighting for my life and not able to be the mother he had blessed me to be? Where was God when my daughter was left to die? Where is God when an innocent child's life is taken? Where is God when children are orphaned and fighting for their lives just waiting for a family to adopt them?

I now know for myself exactly where He is.

He is in the doctors and nurses. He is in the selfless orphanage staff that does their very best to bring life back into these children. He is in the people that show up when we can't show up for ourselves. He is, simply put, the love that surrounds us when our world is falling apart, holding it all together. God doesn't cause these terrible things to happen. Bad things happen to good people and bad people, tragedy does not discriminate.

I've had to work very hard not to worry about the future. Everyday a thought will creep into my head wondering what's around the corner. When you've been through the worst, you realize the worst does happen. "Rare" is no longer rare. You take no comfort in any ones advice or medical statistics. And this is completely normal, completely realistic and completely OK. I no longer feel badly about expecting the worse.

But what I do know, is that no matter what lies ahead for me, God will show up. I think about today only and cherish what I have in the here and now. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". Jeremiah 29:11. I place my worries in His hands and focus on living the life He has planned for me.

Letting Her Go

2010-04-19T14:22:00.000-07:00

As I count down the days that I will have alone with my baby girl, I find myself feeling a range of emotions.

I'm excited for her. We dropped off paperwork the other day at her new school and she wrapped her tiny arms around my legs and said "bye, mama". Oh not yet darling. Not yet.

With all the therapist's coming and going and given the fact we don't really know anyone her age, the poor kid has been a little secluded. I may have taken the "bonding" stage a little too far looking back now. She has J and she has fantastic grandparents that swoop her up for lunch and dancing. My babe has been in no way deprived.

This will be great for her development, which is still delayed. There is nothing like peer influence to spark a child's eagerness to progress.

She will learn to trust other capable adults with her well being.

Then there is the other range in my emotions. I'm terribly sad. She, very likely, will be our last and only. She came into this family by unusual circumstances and we had to fight like hell for her. I have her now and I don't want to let go.

Everywhere I go she goes too. My little princess in the back seat that sings and dances during errands. I have been perfectly blessed to have a toddler that doesn't really act like a toddler. No tantrums, fits or crying unless something is terribly wrong. She has been a blessing to cart around. Just watching her take the world in minute by minute is a site I will forever cherish.

Two years together, mommy and daughter. I have been incredibly blessed to have had this time alone with my angel. But life, after all, is about change and nothing ever stays the same. Children grow and God calls for us as parents to grow as well. Being honest, this has been a deep struggle for me. But as always, I pray for God to lead my life in the direction I'm meant to go and I will gratefully follow. I have been lead back to school and my daughter has been lead to the most amazing preschool I've ever encountered. I have peace with our decision.

The time has come to let her go, even if I still keep her within arms reach.

It's Gettin Poopy In Here!

2010-04-14T16:11:00.000-07:00

Yup. You read that title correctly.

It seems we have entered the toddler-pulls-off-diaper-leaving-poop-EVERYWHERE-phase. Good gracious me.

I'm tired of cleaning poop off the bedding, the bed rails, the floor, the mirror, the vanity, the dresser......and everywhere else I failed to mention.

I tried to spare Leila public humiliation by posting this topic, but she's going to have to deal as mama needs some help here.

Things we have tried, unsuccessfully:

Diaper backwards

Safety pinning tops to bottoms

Clothes backwards

Discipline

Potty training

A friend showed me this site so I excitedly ordered three.

Perhaps you readers have words of wisdom to share with this exhausted ma and pops, or perhaps I'm just venting as you sigh and say to me "this stage won't last forever so just hang in".

I feel better already.

Now that I've pulled myself together...

2010-04-09T13:25:00.000-07:00

I would like to share a story with you.

A story that touched my heart deeply.

Upon entering a tiny dark-green shack locals called an orphanage, my whole world changed. My circumstances and everything I believed was turned upside down.

What my heart couldn't accept in the moment, other's hearts accepted for me.

I am so touched by Kelle's ability to share such raw emotion.

A child is a gift no matter the circumstances.

Read Kelle and Nella's story here

Chantilly

2010-04-07T09:46:00.000-07:00

evokes lightness and elegance.

Easter was neither light nor elegant in our home.

Instead of waking with excitement we awoke to J vomiting.

Leila is reading her new book from the bunny to her ill bro.

There was one highlight of the whole Easter weekend before the chaos began. Saturday night we had my Mr's parents over for dinner. My Mr's mom made delicious bbq ribs and I was in charge of sides and desert. I ripped out a recipe from my Cook's Country magazine, the one I love so dearly. I tried "Chantilly Potatoes", truly a recipe that came from Heaven.

Try them and you will see what I'm talking about!

Chantilly Potatoes

3lbs Yukon Gold potatoes (I used Russet), peeled and cut into 2inch cubes

Salt and Pepper

1 1/4 cups heavy cream, chilled

1 1/2 cups (about 3 ounces) grated Gruyere or Parmesan cheese (I used Parmesan. Use fresh grated cheese, do not cheat on this step (BEANIE), you will be rewarded for your work).

1. Microwave potatoes in large microwave-safe bowl and cover tightly with plastic. Microwave until tender, 8-12 minutes, shaking bowl halfway through. Use either ricer or mash potatoes. Cover tightly again and microwave mashed or riced potatoes 3-5 minutes longer. Season with salt and pepper.

2. Adjust oven rack to upper-third position and heat broiler. With electric mixer on medium speed, beat cream until stiff peaks form, about 2 minutes. Gently fold two-thirds of whipped cream into potatoes with rubber spatula until absorbed. Dollop potatoes in broiler-safe-2-quart baking dish.

3. With rubber spatula, fold 1 1/4 cups cheese into remaining cream. Spread over potatoes and sprinkle with remaining cheese. Broil until top is golden, 2-3minutes. ***Let rest 4 minutes.*** Serve.

I watched Julie and Julia the other day and became super inspired to try new recipes. Perhaps one of the most important lessons I learned was that you need not a super kitchen, bells and whistles. One simply needs an organized work space and the heart. So, I took on the major project of organizing the heart of my home, my workspace, my kitchen. I have received amazing tips from a dear friend and will post pictures and share the changes I've made with you along the way.

~Rie

Easter Blessings

2010-04-03T20:20:00.000-07:00

Just in time for Easter, we received some good news.
Jafar is not in kidney failure, the initial test at the vet was wrong! No protein in his urine says a lab with "much better equipment". Uh, yeah I'd say so. To go from extreme amounts of protein to none, well, maybe the vet should just chuck their equipment out that fancy window I just paid for!

Nasser is healthy as a mule except he has high cholesterol. Go figure, only my dogs!

This weekend we had a friend of J's over for a slumber party. During the chaos, I managed to whip up a delicious three-layer coconut cream cake. Yummm. I also tried a recipe for mashed pataters, only with a twist. Definitely going to post that recipe here very soon. I promise it is easy (for my open-a-box-stir-add-water=done!-readers....you know who you are).

Tomorrow the Easter bunny will bring a little white basket and a little brown basket for a good little boy and girl, over flowing with scrumptious treats.

What will the Easter bunny bring mommy? Hopefully some extra time added to the day for a guilt-free nap...........it's been a busy weekend and this mama's tired.

Happy Easter!!!
~Rie

When it Rains...

2010-03-30T17:11:00.001-07:00

It was to be a simple vet visit. I mean, we knew our "nassey-noo" may have valley fever. In most cases though, valley fever is treatable. This will either be confirmed or denied in the days to come.

Jafar came along to have a pesky ear problem taken care of. I mentioned to the vet that he must have "old-man-bladder" as he hasn't been emptying his bladder well and squirting pee off and on instead of a straight line. Harmless--I thought. She grabbed a urine sample to be extra cautious to rule out a UTI.

His urine was green.

Upon further inspection, there were tons of crystals and abnormally high amounts of protein. "Protein in urine is never a good thing" said the vet.

"I know" I told her.

"This is far more serious", she says.

"I know" I say again.

I don't want to know anymore at this point.

And so we wait for the results, $900 later.

I'll tell you, these are my kids and I would move Heaven and earth for them just the same.

You know somethings going to happen at some point, but you are never ready.

Could you please pray for my Nasser and Jafar?

Jeepers!

2010-03-25T13:38:00.001-07:00

Has it seriously been that long since my last post? I'm totally slacking, and super busy.

We went on a family camping trip--pictures to follow soon. Had a magnificent time together. I honestly feel as though I'm living the American dream sitting under the stars with my Mr. and roasting marshmallows. Hearing the children playing in the trailer with new friends and spending nothing but good ol' quality time with each other is the ultimate vacation. Who the heck needs swanky hotels, spas and five star restaurants? Well....now I'm getting a little bit ahead of myself! I do so love places such as that, but camping feeds my soul. Plus, they wouldn't allow my sleeping buddy to come along.

I've been studying nearly every waking minute........and.........I'm thrilled to report that it has payed off! I passed the LPN boards and just yesterday submitted my application for the nursing program this August. Phew! I feel the relief, no longer in my hands, no longer weighing on my shoulders. Feels great to clear this mess from my desk, if only for two months. I will find out in either April or early May if I have been accepted (fingers crossed).

Smooches,

Rie

I Read A Story Today In The Paper

2010-03-11T12:56:00.000-08:00

about a young woman (my age) that was diagnosed with breast cancer soon after the birth of her first child, a little girl.

A blog she kept chronicled her last months where she fought a valiant fight to remain here on earth for her little girl. She tried every treatment that was offered, even experimental options. One thing was certain, she wanted her daughter to know her mother was a fighter and never gave up.

On Valentines Day she received a call from her doctor: The cancer had spread and the time and come to live and let go of the fight. This mommy began taping videos for her daughter to watch for nearly every event she would one day miss from first dates to periods to weddings and children, she captured almost everything she wanted to before time ran out. Words on her blog stayed ever so positive and uplifting despite the tragedy they were living. This mama kept her sense of humor until the very end.

I turned the page and wiped my tears.

I had to do something.......something..........

Do I give to breast cancer research in honor of her?

Do I give to her husband and daughter?

Like a ton of bricks it hit me.

I was meant to read this article for this very reason:

I don't need to give money, cash has no value in heaven nor in the way this woman lived her life.

I have been living my life for tomorrow. The best way I can honor this incredible woman is to live the life that she couldn't for as long as I can.

Opening the door to Leila's room during nap time only to find play time and disasters used to set me off. Now, I take pictures.

I have asked Jalyn to get dressed only to find myself asking him to change what he had put on because it didn't match. Now, I compliment him on his choices.

These are the days I remember and count my blessings to have lived them. To cherish and nurture your marriage is by far and away the best gift you can give your children. I am here! I am here! And I've often been left to wonder if I would be. For now, I am here and I don't plan on going anywhere, but if I do, my husband will know he was loved and my children will know that mommy was madly in love with daddy.

I had a child, biologically. It was a painful time to be told that future children were not an option for me. I relished my pregnancy, not knowing it would be my last. I captured every minute of this child's life, not knowing it wouldn't be my last.

God had a plan for us. The cards had been dealt but I had yet to play. Another child joined our family in an unconventional way and boy was it a journey I will never forget.

This was me, leaving my child behind. You can see the emotion on my face. This time in my life was one big state of shock, literally. I will never forget this feeling of leaving a child. Never. At this point we've bonded and she was mine. I had to fight like hell to bring her home and I'd do it all over again.
I am very blessed to live this life. The best gift we as mothers can give to those unable to be with their children, is to love our own in memory of them. To remember the bigger picture and what is truly important.

The little stuff doesn't matter, never did.
Thank you for teaching me this lesson.

Idea's Anyone???

2010-03-10T07:38:00.000-08:00

The Mr. and I have been given this delightful opportunity to escape for a whole week sans children.

Now.......what to do with this week?

My heart is still here:

Maui (picture from Wordpress)

However, as you all know, I am going back to school so money is an issue.

Some of the best idea's EV-AR have come from those who pathed the way for me. So my dear friends, what have you done with your Mr. that has been utterly romantic and easy on the pocket book?

Leave me a comment or e-mail me personally and tell me all about it! Remembering that this va-ca will take place during the summer when it will be HOT-HOT-HOT locally!

Signed,

The Oh-So-Grasious Rie

Sandra. You rocked my world.

2010-03-08T07:43:00.000-08:00

Sandra Bullock accepting an Oscar for her performance in The Blind Side.

Picture taken off Google.

During her speech, she thanked all the mothers that love their babies and children, no matter where they came from. She said somehow these mothers never get thanked, and you are oh so right Sandra!

You are an extraordinary actress and human being who truly captures the meaning of beauty, the heart of a woman.

I was more than thrilled for Hurt Locker, I might add.

Remember When

2010-03-04T12:23:00.000-08:00

Life felt free and your worst nightmare was forgetting your homework? When responsibilities consisted of feeding the animals, making your bed and brushing your teeth twice daily?

I remember a day back in 2003 when my responsibility became surviving post-partum cardiomyopathy, and I did. Fast forward to current. When asked by many doctors about my history it has become natural for me to mention my PPCM. Until a week ago that is. An endodontist asked "is that still what they are calling it? You know, since it came back and all?" "Well", I replied, "I guess at this point it would be just cardiomyopathy".

Then yesterday at my cardiologists office I heard him tell the nurse that my new diagnosis is cardiomyopathy. So there it was, solidified in black in white, I am no longer a PPCM survivor. I am someone battling a very different disease, cardiomyopathy.

I would never expect this new diagnosis to effect me in this way, but it has. I no longer can prevent this by not getting pregnant. I can no longer be told that this won't return. This is a whole new game I'm playing and it's darn right scary because there is no control factor here. The only thing I can do is be a responsible patient by following a medication regimen and report anything unusual to my doctor. The rest is simply up to the Good Man Himself. The ironic thing is that no matter how much I have felt like the one in control, I never have been nor ever will be.

Life is a series of ever-changing responsibilities.

I bask in the glory of the little ones and thank God for the big ones, as there is something to learn from them all.

To Continue

2010-03-02T12:17:00.000-08:00

Arizona sunset during our last camping trip

Two nights ago was not a good night. I experienced some type of cardiac event which included palpitations, my heart felt like it was coming out of my chest, extreme jaw pain with numbness, nausea, dizziness and difficulty breathing. Lying on the bed was torture as my Mr. was closing up the house for the night and I couldn't call for him. Literally, I felt as though I was going to die right there and he wouldn't even know I was experiencing this as I was completely fine one minute before.

Eventually he found me and comforted me as he does so well. 15 minutes or so had passed and I began to feel normal again. I was so scared, a million and one thoughts went through my head; I need to write letters to my children, what would my children do without their mother, does my husband know everything he needs to know, etc..... Just when I think I'm healthy and life is great, something happens to remind me just how lucky I am to be here today let alone tomorrow. Preparing for the worst is not pessimistic, it's realistic. I am at peace with Heaven and The Lord, I am not at peace with leaving behind those that I love.

I say to my Mr. "I just want it to stop."

He replied "we have gotten through the worst of the worst and have come out stronger for it. I will always be here for you and whatever life throws at us we will tackle together. You want it to stop, I just want it to continue".

Here's to continuing life, together, no matter what.

Another Recipe From Rie

2010-02-28T11:29:00.000-08:00

Homemade Chicken Pot Pie

I made this pot pie the other night and it literally fed our souls. You have to try this one. To save time, prepare the ingredients beforehand and store in the fridge until you are ready to throw it together. You can also make the filling ahead of time but you will need to heat it on the stove before topping it with dough.

Ingredients For Pie Filling:
1 recipe dough (see below)
1 1/2 lbs boneless, skinless chicken breasts cut into bite-sized chucks
2 cups low-sodium chicken broth
1 1/2 tbsp vegetable oil
1 medium-large onion, chopped fine
3 medium carrots, peeled and cut crosswise 1/4 inch thick
2 small celery ribs, cut crosswise 1/4 inch thick
salt and ground black pepper
1/2 stick (4tbsp) unsalted butter
1/2 cup unbleached all-purpose flour
1 1/2 cups milk
1/2 tsp dried thyme
3 tbsp dry sherry
3/4 cup frozen peas, thawed
3 tbsp minced fresh parsley leaves

Ingredients for Pie Dough:
1. Make pie dough and refrigerate it until ready to use:
*this is the same dough I use for my pies*
1 1/2 cups unbleached all purpose flour
1/2 tsp salt
4 tbsp veg shortening, chilled and cut into 1/4 inch pieces
8 tbsp (1 stick) cold unsalted butter cut into 1/4 inch pieces
3-4 tbsp ice water

Directions for Pie Dough:
1. Mix flour and salt in food processor. Scatter shortening over flour, cut into the flour with five 1-second pulses. Add butter and continue pulsing until flour is pale yellow and resemble coarse cornmeal. Turn mixture into medium bowl.
2. Sprinkle 3tbsp water over mixture. With rubber spatula, use folding motion to mix water in. Add 1tbsp more water until dough comes together. Shape dough into ball then flatten into 4inch disc, wrap with plastic wrap and refrigerate 30minutes or up to 2 days before rolling.

**When pie filling is ready, roll dough on floured surface, adding flour as needed. Roll into large enough shape to cover pot pie. You can cut off extra dough, but I prefer to fold it under into the pie filling......so delicious!

Directions for Pie Filling:
1. Oven set to 400, lower middle position.
2. Put chicken and broth in dutch oven over med heat. Cover, bring to simmer until chicken is just done (8-10 mins). Transfer to large bowl, reserving the broth in measuring cup.
3. Heat to med-high, add oil in now empty pan. Saute onion, carrots, celery until tender, about 5mins. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Transfer vegetables to bowl with chicken, set aside.
4. Heat butter over med heat in now empty pan. When foaming subsides, add flour, cook 1 min. Whisk in reserved chicken broth, milk, thyme and bring to simmer. Simmer until sauce fully thickens (~1min). Season with salt and pepper to taste and stir in sherry.
5. Pour sauce over chicken mixture and stir to combine. Stir in the peas and parsley, adjust seasonings to taste. (This mixture can be covered and refrigerated overnight; reheat before topping with pastry). Pour mixture into 13x9 baking pan. Top with pastry.
6. This step was not in the book but I do this for my pies to brown the tops: Whisk 1 egg white and brush on dough with pastry brush carefully. Make four slits for venting using very sharp knife.

Bake until pastry is golden brown and the filling is bubbling, 30 mins. Serve hot.

You will not regret the work put into this one! And though it may seem like a lot of steps, if you do what you can ahead of time it really comes together pretty darn quick.

**Original recipe from "The New Best Recipe" By Cook's Illustrated, my all time favorite cook book. I have yet to try a recipe from this book that has been a disappointment.

2010-02-24T13:24:00.000-08:00

My friend Kristy sports an amazing silver bag that I've admired for years.

I've kept my eyes open ever since for just the right one.

Now I'm going to let you in on a little secret, but you can't canvas mine! Sam's Club happens to receive amazing bags every now and again, including major designers at amazing prices. But you have to go often and have eagle eyes to get one before they disappear. We just happened to be there the day before Valentines when I finally spotted one that fit me. I sortove mentioned to the Mr. that I have been longing for a silver bag.............."Why do you like this one?" he asked. "blah blah blah.......I want it" (period). Is a bag ever about need? Plus it was much less pricier than the one's I've come across. "Grab it, Happy Valentines Day" he says. Now that's a man after this gals heart, to trust that I've found something that will make my heart sing. Ahhh, love at it's finest.

Before

When I got home and unpacked it I felt like something was missing. My bag needed something to become mine. Then I came across a blog where another gal had just purchased a silver bag and accessorized with a flower from The Pleated Poppy. The gates opened: Hal-le-lu-jah! I had my answer. I ordered three of those adorable flowers and wear them with everything; my bag, I throw them in my hair, on my jacket..........I have found love.

Smooches,

Rie

2010-02-22T08:42:00.001-08:00

The Occasion: The Princess Ball

In Attendance: Daddy, Jidu and a beautiful princess.

Activities: A magical night of dinner and dancing.

Special Moments: Jidu presented Leila with a petite corsage to match her dress. She then grabbed his hand and showed him to her room to which I said "ummmm Jidu, I don't know about this going to her room business on the first date! To which he replied "I'm too old to worry about". Here's to Leila dating much older men.

De-li-cious

2010-02-15T16:36:00.000-08:00

Jalyn peeps out the window of my van on the way to school. Hoping to not be seen yet hoping to be seen. There she is, holding the STOP sign for all the children to pass. "Hel-llll-oooo De-li-cious" he says. "Jalyn!" I say, "you are too young to be caught up in a girl." (Especially a girl thirty-times your age). She is his delicious. Long blond hair, long legs, and high heels. But most importantly, he loves her knowledge of books, she is after all the librarian. On Valentine's Day, he swept her off her feet with a box of chocolates and a hug and she swept him off his by letting him pick out a spooky-mystery book. "I can handle it", he tells her, "I'm very brave ya know".

My Valentine's Day was spent with family as we celebrated two birthdays. Why not make a family dinner romantic? Candles were lit, rose petals were scattered and kids were screaming. I wouldn't have it any other way as I was with after all, my delicious.

Shop Talk

2010-02-10T10:00:00.000-08:00

The injection kicked my booty. Migraine caused me to loose my G2 in the truck to pick up J from the bus.
J gets in and proceeds to make me feel better by saying "My gosh! What stinks in here!" Uhh, that would be my puke bag.

Had another injection yesterday and this time I asked for the knock-me-out-make -me-happy medication. Not a decision I regret for one minute.

Oh! And on top of icing and medicating, I'm studying for a mid-term tomorrow!

I am alive, I am mostly healthy, I have a wonderful family and group of friends. I am thankful to be a nurse so I can impact patients and their experiences in a positive way, unlike the experience I had myself during injection one. I felt lower than a lab rat that morning.

For you Michiganders! Blue Lily has opened her session dates for September! She will shoot in downtown Clarkston and Yates, two incredible locations! I myself would go for Yates but seriously, you can't go wrong with Wendy. Once her sessions open, they fill (speaking from experience) so don't dilly dally!

SIGN UP HERE

If I don't end up in nursing school this fall, you bet your white butts (I know your butts are all whiter than the snow up there right now!) I will travel up just for this shoot!

And last but certainly not least in my shop talk:
Happy Birthday Beanie, you ol' fart you! I'm looking forward to our weekend date together. You are soooo gonna love our gift to you! I would be lying if I said I weren't jealous!

Smooches,
Rie

On my mind today is

2010-02-06T13:15:00.000-08:00

My friend Lori. I'm praying for you, often. You are brave and you are an inspiration, you will look back and see it too someday.

My mom. We will get through anything, together. I love you always.

Everyone in my life is here for a reason. I have different discussions with different people and we all relate in our unique ways.

Today I am thankful for all of the unique people in my life and the different ways in which we support each other.

Dear Pain,

2010-02-02T04:42:00.000-08:00

I've got things to do.

Dreams to live.

People to entertain and take care of.

I simply have no time for you.

Please let this injection today make you go away, no offense.

Let's make one thing clear: I am not having another surgery (period)

My life has finally gotten exciting.

Go away- Bah humbug!

Hello You Michiganders! This Post Is For You!

2010-01-29T11:30:00.000-08:00

Blue Lily is a comin' your way!

Yes!

Your darn tootin you heard me right! What a bunch of lucky folks you are.

Here's the info that you need:
Wendy, the brilliant, magnificent, corky woman that she is (and I hear her hubby ain't too bad himself) will be in Detroit around September 11th!

What you need to do:
Contact the lady! Don't wait! Sessions fill up quickly and when their filled, their filled. Trust me, I know.

Click HERE and find Detroit on the right-hand-side. Contact Wendy and tell her I sent you!

***Disclosure***
I have received nothing from Blue Lily other than great service for writing this post. I only recommend people like this when I feel truly comfortable doing so. I love the photos hanging on my own wall. What she captures through her lens is nothing short of amazing. What I have spent on your typical photos from "mall places" is nearly as much yet not nearly as beautiful and unique. Pictures from Wendy are seriously a must-do for every family at least once in their lifetime, or if your me, once a year to capture how we've grown.

The Verdict

2010-01-25T14:44:00.000-08:00

This morning, while the house was quiet, I read yesterdays paper.

Horoscope:

Libra- Today you will have a great day. Think of how you want your day to look and it will. Tomorrow, not so much. Things don't go as planned.

Hmmmm.......Should I still go take this darn test?! Gee whiz, nothing like making you re-think your strategy.

I went. Although I thought about backing out until I heard they only had eight of this particular test left. After this, the NET will become the HESI 2. The dreaded HESI 2. May the Lord be with anyone who takes that test. Let's just say it makes the NET look like child's play.

Yes, I passed!

Ha-lle-lu-jah!!!

Next: HESI PN (This is the LPN boards, I need to re-take for advanced placement into the RN program.) I will be taking this in about two-three weeks.

If I pass the HESI, I will be ready to apply to the nursing program starting in August.

P.S. My partner-in-crime passed also!

Here Goes Nothing

2010-01-24T15:19:00.000-08:00

Two weeks of studying non-stop.
Weekends spent at Barnes and Noble (they have great rice crispy bars by the way).
Time away from the family, all for one goal.

Tomorrow is the test.
I'm exhausted.
If I don't know it, I just don't know it.

Hopefully my next post is a happy one.
If I don't write for a week, it's safe to say I failed.

Misery Love's Company

2010-01-17T19:02:00.000-08:00

I've started the pharmacology class........bah humbug!
I'm studying like a mad woman for a NET test next Monday.
After that test it's another test......just to get in to nursing school!

There is nothing like jumpin in with both feet!

Only before it was just me, now I have a partner in crime. My sister-n-law is going back to school to get her RN as well. We are taking the same test on the same day. Like I said, misery loves company.

In my worries about how the children would adjust to less time with mommy, I never thought I could serve as an inspiration to them. Jalyn said to me "mommy, do I get to study when I go to college?" Oh dear, you will "get" to study much sooner than that! He has no idea God bless him!

If He Lead's you to it.............

2010-01-14T11:13:00.001-08:00

(This was the last time I was in nursing school, 2000. I was just a baby!)

He will pull you through it.

I've heard it a million times yet only now am I beginning to grasp the value of this statement.

In taking on the challenge of returning to school with a family I've found that it all seems to be working out.

Child care is pretty much in place for the most part with only minor details to tend to.

Discounts on our everyday bills fell into our laps aiding with the expense of tuition.

I met with an advisor Monday to find that this was the last day to get into a class that is vital for admission into the program in August. I was admitted to the college and signed up for a pharmacology class right then and there. I start school Saturday.

All of my fears about going back to school are slowly but surely disappearing.

I am studying for admission tests that I will need to take very soon. How intimidating having been out of school for so long.

I can't say enough how much the support I've been given means to me.

Here's to a relaxing weekend for you all.

God Bless,

Rie

Progress Not Perfection

2010-01-11T12:43:00.000-08:00

Nothing is worse than setting New Year's resolutions realizing you never held your end of the bargain from the previous year.

That was me, last year and mostly every year before that.

This year is different.

The reason?

My goals are Christ-focused taking ideas from the Bible itself.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."
Proverbs 16:9

I have chosen to finish my education this year, or at least get the ball rolling this year. I have tried countless times and for whatever reason, it was not meant to be. I will try again, and if school is not in His plans for me it won't happen.

"An intelligent person aims at wise actions, but a fool starts off in many directions."
Proverbs 17:24

For I know that my path has already been determined and new things are waiting, whichever path I'm led to I will take. At the very least, I've started in a direction for Him to determine my path.

"The Lord says, 'Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing..."
Isaiah 43:18-19

The Bible has also said that our body is the temple of the holy spirit. I have been weak, ill and needy, in no condition to take on a new thing. I want God to be able to use me for the great things he has planned for my life, if I'm weak I am of no purpose to Him. This is why getting back into the gym, eating healthy and gaining a few pounds have become important goals in my life.

I have surrounded my life with "yes people", people that have said yes to the Lord and love and support my life and the plans He has for it. Whenever we embark on a new journey we cannot do it alone, for nothing great in life is ever accomplished alone.

Last but certainly not least I will focus on my progress not perfection.
I will never be the perfect mother, daughter, wife, student or friend. I can and have spent too much time comparing myself to other "perfect" women that surround me. There never seems to be a shortage of those that will point out our mistakes and imperfections. Truth is, none of us are perfect and time spent feeling inadequate is time wasted. Instead I have chosen to lift myself up when I'm not feeling as though I measure up. Three days a week in the gym is not my ideal goal but even one day is more than last year because my progress is more important than perfection.

And lastly I leave you with one of my favorite Bible verses that sums up this post.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart: do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take."
Proverbs 3:5-6

Welcome to this world Madisen Presley Bensen.

Daughter of my dear friends Scott and Laura.

View From My Seat

2010-01-07T13:15:00.000-08:00

This is what errand running looks like in my car.

To you Michiganders, notice the absence of winter coats, the windows are down and the sun is out! It's this time of year I feel blessed to live in this state.

Leila is a smooth rider. Never complains or cries. She simply enjoys the ride....hmmmm, a lesson for life?

New Year New Dreams

2010-01-01T09:55:00.000-08:00

Off to Tucson we drove to camp for a whole week! Relaxation and quality time with the kids was calling our names. Unfortunately, the universe had other plans.

Our trailer almost tipped on it's side when one of the jacks broke. Our heater went out during the night with temperatures in the 30's. They don't allow campfires in Tucson (this perhaps was the biggest bummer of all). I chipped a tooth. My mother and father-n-law came along and their heat went out at night. They had a major leak that required a plumber. He came down with double pink-eye and she had a major allergic reaction requiring a trip to urgent care.

Needless to say, we threw in the towel.

The lesson we all learned: You cannot control what happens around you but you can control your own reactions. We chose to make the best of everything that happened and continue our vacation... at home.

I had a lot of time to think about the New Year and all the things I want to change, but settled on two.

1. I need to be healthier. I've already begun getting back into the gym, if only to walk a treadmill for 30 minutes.......it's a start. Breakfast is the most important meal and I've skipped it for years, not this year.

2. When we brought Leila home I made the decision to stay home and work my butt off getting her the best care to give her the best start. Dealing with the State to get her accepted into their program which provides free therapy was a full time job in itself. She was accepted and has received therapy mostly in our home two-three times weekly. There have been surgeries and there will be more.

In October, the public school system will take over the responsibility for therapy integrated in the preschool program. She will go four times a week. I will continue my part at home. But now this leads me to ask the question, what will I do with my time come October?

I'm ever so proud of the family we've created. The time has come to strengthen myself and in doing so, strengthen my family. I want my kids to be proud of their mom, proud of her accomplishments.

The time has come.

The big decision is that I will be going back to school to receive my RN. I only have one year left but it will be a difficult one. Sacrifices will have to be made but it's never going to be easy. I've prayed long and hard for many years and this year feels right to pursue my dream. When both children are in school full time, I can work and help support our family.

On New Year's Eve, I submitted requests from the three school's I've attended to have transcripts sent to our local nursing school. A symbolic event as I marked the New Year with new dreams.

May the force be with me eh?

What new dreams will you fulfill in 2010?

Happy New Year's Eve

2009-12-31T17:09:00.001-08:00

Whether your all dolled up for a night on the town or at home having a quiet (or not-so-quiet like ours) celebration, I wish you a happy one.

I know I wasn't supposed to return until after the New Year, but things happened and we are home from our vacation. Things that taught me a lesson.

Stay tuned for my New Year's resolution(s) and announcement......big plans to come to our family in the next year.

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing........have a safe night.

See you back in 2010!

Rie

See You Next Year

2009-12-25T19:32:00.000-08:00

In my days leading up to Christmas, I was a baking fool.

Cookies, fudge, pies, marshmallows and hot cocoa. Phew! I get tired just thinking about it.

I will be taking a weeks break from blogging to fully enjoy the company of my family. I will return after the New Year with pictures of our celebrations and thoughts for the future.

I hope you all had a very merry Christmas.

I will leave you with some snapshots from our "just the girls baking day".

God bless you and yours.

Rie

Yell or Grab the Camera???

2009-12-22T14:26:00.000-08:00

This time of year daddy brings home lots of great stuff! Chocolates from co-workers and cookies from patients fill our home every Christmas. I turned for one second and found Leila sitting on top of the table going nuts with a chocolate bar! She had chocolate all over. I paused......yell and explain how dangerous being on top of a table is or grab my camera as soon as possible. I guess you can see what I chose.........

There Is Good In This World

2009-12-20T12:37:00.001-08:00

I loaded Leila and presents in the car.

We were off to deliver gifts to a family in need.

A young mother of three fighting for her life, fighting for her house.

As I drove I thought of many things; how blessed I am to have a car to deliver these gifts, how blessed I am to have the resources to help another family and would someone be so kind to help my family if situations were reversed? To that question I can absolutely answer yes. I have seen far more good in this world than bad.

I pulled into the front of the house and met the social worker that suggested this family in particular. At the door I was greeting by a smiling young woman and three bouncing boys. We brought in present after present to each child's delight.

We sat on the couch and talked. In her eyes I saw fear, strength, sadness, fatigue and hope. I could have been looking in the mirror. She is my age, she had the same fear I had in my eyes not to long ago. This could be me easily, but it's not. I tell her that I care about her struggles and her fears. I pray for her daily, I pray she wins her fight as I won mine. I pray God gives her strength and energy to be the mom she needs and wants to be to her boys.

I wish I could be a fly on the wall watching her children's eyes light up on Christmas morning.

There is so much tragedy all around us. People that have lost or are loosing their loved ones, children without parents or that have lost a parent, those that have lost a child, those that have lost their health and those that are not able to provide a holiday meal.

I will close with just one thought: If you have your health and each other, you have everything. All the rest is circumstantial. Love on your babies and thank the Lord for them. On Christmas morning remember those that are suffering with grief and say a prayer that today, if only just today, God bring them peace removing the heavy weights they are carrying.

Dedicated

2009-12-14T11:30:00.000-08:00

Leila had her Dedication to the Lord this Sunday.

She felt like a princess in her new outfit up on stage.

Here she is sneaking a peak!

Jalyn was very proud to be a part of his sister's big day.

My shy little love bug.

We went out to lunch afterwards, just the four of us. We had a wonderful time until...... Two people asked what was wrong with Leila's face and I cried. I am very protective of my baby and I couldn't find the words to put them in their place. I was ashamed of myself for not speaking up and angry at them for having the nerve to ask such a thing. The world is so cruel. I'm so thankful that our inner circle is so incredibly supportive and loving. Jalyn had no problem celebrating!

Her first strawberry shake! Think she's intoxicated from the delicious cream!

My boys sitting across from me, I had the best view by far.

Kisses,
Rie

2009-12-10T17:33:00.000-08:00

Tis the season for good old fashioned gift giving. Giving, the best part. There's no better feeling than making someone else happy.

In need of some ideas? Here are a few of my favorite things. Maybe this will help you shop for that special woman in your lives!

My favorite perfume, Heavenly by Victoria Secret.

Stationary. A friend gave this to me as a gift once and I loved it. Things like this you typically wouldn't buy for yourself.

Jewelry is always a nice option, but this gals jewelry is amazing and unique! The Vintage Pearl. I would love one with my two darlings names (hint, hint Santa!)

For the woman that loves to cook/bake. This is one of my favorite cook books.

The most adorable hair pieces I've ever seen. Sophisticated yet fun! I have one and always receive comments! Bebecha.

An apron is one of the best gifts you could give this gal! Here is my favorite.

If your a grandparent, a loving auntie or a really awesome friend, the gift of babysitting so she can have a night with her hubby would be so thoughtful! Believe me, the best of gifts is giving your time.

My fav lip gloss in "You're Golden"! It's a neutral tone and looks great on everyone, even has gold flecks in it!

Well now, there you have it. If your sitting on the fence of indecision than hopefully your off it after reading this!

Happy shopping!

Please Pray

2009-12-07T06:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends,

Today I checked in on my friend Lori's blog. She and her husband were in the process of adopting in Kyrgyzstan when a miracle happened, she became pregnant. I have followed her blog daily since. Today I was saddened and heartbroken at what I found.

Please read their story and send as many prayers as you possibly can up to heaven.

Lori, I am praying for you. I am praying for Matthew. Matthew felt more love in his short time here on earth than most children feel in a lifetime. May God be with you and your family and in time bring you peace.

Lori's Blog Here

Cheers To That!

2009-12-06T17:23:00.001-08:00

I came across an article the other day.

A mom talking about stress and the holidays and she offered up ideas to help. Now there were many wonderful ideas but this one in particular spoke to my very soul.

She schedules all routine medical appointments, household maintenance tune-ups, play dates and activities before the month of November.

Come November 1st, every day is for family, friends and relaxation until January 1st.

Inevitably some things cannot be helped but she's does her darnedest.

If you can't tell already by me posting this idea, let me just tell you.... I'm swiping it!

To heck with well checks, pest control, birthday parties (no offense), organizing the house, plumbers/electricians and play dates.

Next year come November 1st my calendar will be cleared.

I will use this time and get to the heart of the matter; friends, family, movie nights, date nights,

quiet moments with each child, local festivities and remembering what Christmas is all about.

Cheers to that idea mama!

Oh So Thankful

2009-11-25T14:31:00.001-08:00

The past year has been a difficult one for many. Lots of families are struggling financially, lost loved ones, are in ill health and many families are in the fight of their life simply to bring their children home from overseas.

On Thanksgiving, it is important to count our blessings and recognize the positives as there are always positives if you truly search.

I am thankful for the following:

My son and the good choices he makes on a daily basis. It has been a struggle in teaching him that following others actions are not always the best choice. He has worked really hard and I'm so proud.

My daughter. It was not long ago that I wondered if she would ever come home and my heart and prayers truly go out to those families waiting. She has endured more than and child should ever have to and she's thriving. So proud of your accomplishments sissy.My husband. You are the one constant in my life and I look forward to many more years together.

Good health. Lord, thank you, thank you, thank you! You healed my heart again and everyday I have with my children is a blessing from you.

Family. Whenever times get tough we are always there for each other and that's what families are all about! Plus, life wouldn't be as interesting........

Jafar, Amir and Nasser. You three bring a smile to my face always, what is life without dogs? May I have another??? And no, I'm not crazy! (I can hear you Kristy!)

Friends. We may not see each other often but when we do it's like we've never been separated.

What are you thankful for?

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Kisses,

Rie

Romance Redefined

2009-11-20T09:27:00.000-08:00

In the earlier years of my life romance appeared in the forms of diamonds, candle light, extravagant date nights and babysitters.

Maybe what someone views as "romantic" changes with age, or perhaps, changes with life.

My husband is the most romantic man I know.

It's what he does out of selflessness that gets my motor running!

Coffee is always prepared the night before for when I wake.

Breakfast is usually made to ensure I get some protein into my hectic day.

Lunch dates at home in between visits with patients.

Laundry, the man does laundry. Folds, hangs and irons.

Music is added to my MP3 and placed in my car for my listening pleasure during errands.

My car was filled with gas and newly cleaned when I arrived home from Michigan.

His eyes fill with love when giving the children his full attention.

Bath time, bedtime, homework, whatever the need he jumps right in to help.

I cherish everyday God gives me with this man.

May all women be as fulfilled romantically as I am.

One More Makes Three!

2009-11-16T09:28:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the world my darling Peyton Jaymes!

7lbs 11oz 21in born at 5:00

You are hardly a week old and so very loved.
All that surround you are wrapped around those tiny little fingers.

It's been a whirlwind of a week. Peyton was stuck with the cord around her neck and brought to the world via emergency c-section. She then spent four days in the NICU, was discharged home on Friday only to return to the hospital Saturday for jaundice.

Mommy, Daddy and Peyton are all home now.

I am now an Auntie to three beautiful children, so darn lucky I am. God is good.

Leila and I leave on a jet plane in the morning, can't wait to see you daddy and Jalyn! We've missed our boys so much!

The News

2009-11-04T09:11:00.000-08:00

OK OK folks, I'm sorry. I know I left you hanging with the good news. Leila and I are in good ol' Michigan, again. This time to meet my new niece or nephew and her cousin hopefully real soon, in fact were getting ready to go for a walk to expedite the process.

Now on with the show:

I got a call from the doc the other day. My ticker is responding to the medication! I'm not yet where I was before but super close. We now know that the medication is working and there's a good chance I'll be around for a long while. Thank God and thank you all for your prayers. It's truly a miracle to recover from this twice and I pray it never comes back. Will I be on the medications for life? Yup, most likely. They make you feel horribly tired but I'll take it.

Right after hearing the news, Tariq and I had a date night better than any other. We went out to eat at a great restaurant and then to Phantom of the Opera.

Good food, good company and a good heart.

Oh what a night.

Just Need To Say...

2009-10-30T08:07:00.001-07:00

Thank you.

Even though I'm not always able to say it, I really appreciate you.

Sometimes I have a difficult time posting, I want it to be read-worthy, worthy of your time.

Then someone sends me an amazing comment on how what I've written has in someway changed their thinking to a more positive light.

Thank you for your comments and feedback, that's what keeps my fingers typing.

I'm sorry I'm not always able to respond but I would like you to know how much it means to me that you click on my little space and read what's on my mind.

~Thank you Melissa for your voicemail the other day, you inspire me to keep it up.~

Today is a great day, find out why tomorrow!

Life Is Good Today...

2009-10-28T09:40:00.000-07:00

I don't have my toes in the water or my bum in the sand as the famous Kenny Chesney song goes, but life is good today anyways.

Today brought cool temperatures to the desert and a crisp fall breeze, finally fall has arrived.

I've opened my windows to let the cool air fill my home, let Leila stay in her cozy fleece pj's and lit a candle that fills my home with an apple-harvest smell.

My husband took care of Jalyn getting to school and let me sneak in some extra zzzz's. Somehow doing laundry today feels effortless and somewhat enjoyable.

A delicious day indeed.

Today and Six Years Ago

2009-10-27T13:21:00.001-07:00

I arrived at the doctors office bright and early.

My daughter by my side, my ever-present angel.

"Kelli?" I heard the nurse call from the door.

My turn.

I lie on the table as she asks "you look so young, why are you here and is this your first echocardiogram?"

"First thank you for the young comment (since being diagnosed with heart failure....again, I have felt like a 90-year-old, or at least what I think a 90-year-old would feel like). Second, I'm here to find out if there's been any changes in my heart function and third gosh I wish".

I replayed her question in my head. Have I had this test before? My mind wondered as I wait for her to prepare the machine. I went back to the hospital room where I was admitted for shortness of breath and fluid on my lungs three short days after the birth of my son. I could hear the echo tech in the hallway discuss a case with the nurse. The nurse said to him "you know what were looking for right?" "Yes, postpartum cardiomyopathy" he replied.

My heart sank, I knew what this was, I knew it was me they were talking about.

I called Tariq, he was taking our newborn son to his first pediatrician's appointment. "You know what they think I have?" I said to my husband. "Their not talking about you babe". He believed I had a pneumonia or something. None of us wanted to believe the worst case scenario.

In the hospital room I am alone while they run a probe covered in cold jelly over my heart. I look at the screen, looks oddly similar to the ultrasounds I was used to receiving having just been pregnant. Only this image was squeezing and a funny whooshing noise was present. Then red and blue went from one side to the other.

From this point on it's a super fast blur of memories:

I remember my parents visiting the hospital. I remember the doctor coming in. They say something along the lines of we are very sorry, you are in heart failure. We have a cardiologist coming in right away. I call my husband, I cannot speak for I'm crying from the depth of my soul. My husband arrives and never leaves my side. Cardiologist arrives and says it's even worse than we expected. I'm told I may get better with time, may never recover, may require a heart transplant. Then another doctor arrives to tell me I can never have anymore children. I've just delivered my first child whom I cannot even be with, whom I cannot breast feed, whom I will not be able to take care of for six long months.

"Are you ready for the cold jelly" asks the nurse. "You bet" I replied.

Fast forward to the present and however many echo's I've had. The screen that appeared so foreign to me at one point is now just a part of my life.

I'm filled with such gratitude that my life here on earth was spared to enjoy my husband, my kids and even the constant medical trips. My biggest fear that plagued me since recovery the first time was a relapse. Now that my fear has come true, I'm left with the choice to face it head on and then move on. I feel as though my heart has healed and I've shared those thoughts with you. Now that I know it's possible to decline a part of me will always wonder what's around the corner. I am so incredibly blessed with a husband that gets it, that gets that I don't always feel spunky and great and knows when I need a breather. I'm blessed that he has promised to walk with me no matter what. My two children are happy, healthy and beautiful. What else can you ask out of life?

No matter what the results show, I know nothing can stop me from fighting anything in the present or the future. I've got too much to live for.

All in a Days Work.

2009-10-17T15:12:00.000-07:00

Jalyn and I went shopping today. We filled three boxes for the Food Bank and provided a Thanksgiving meal for three families. What a great feeling.

This is what else I did today. I love to bake and apple pie is definitely my favorite!

Jalyn and Leila going for a ride.
While my parents were here we visited the biggest hole in the world.
Can you guess what we watched for movie night last night? Wolverine. Daddy made Jalyn his own metal claws! What a lucky boy eh?!

I Love Fridays

2009-10-16T15:50:00.001-07:00

I love Friday nights with my family.

We have movie night, make popcorn, eat candy and Jalyn and I end the night with a snuggling slumber party. Not too much longer and sis will be old enough to join us!

Have a good Friday doing whatever it is you do!

Ahhhh, Pure Simplicity

2009-10-14T13:04:00.000-07:00

Today I find myself appreciative of the simple things in life.

Darn those eight loads of laundry that never end, yet thankful that I'm here to make sure my family has clean clothes stocked in their drawers when they need them. The smell of fabric softener cuddles them with the love I feel, load after load after load.

Those dishes! Ugh! Get one load in the washer just in time for the pile that's overflowing the sinks turn. Though I'm here and able to load and unload over and over again. Dishes are done just in time to feed my family dinner. Again, washed with love.

My daughter won't nap. This is perhaps the most disappointing thing that can happen to a stay-at-home mother. That precious hour of me time that usually turns into what can I get done in this hour? But this day, this day, I was going to nap. Then I think, I have my daughter here with me, in my home, in my care while so many others are still waiting for their adoptions to go through. What those moms would give just to know their little ones are safe, loved and HOME.

The very best part of my day is seeing the yellow school bus roll over the hill. I watch the most adorable little man in saggy jeans and a grungy t-shirt marked with the days activities he accomplished without me, head my way. We head home for a hearty afternoon snack (honey-crisp apples with Carmel is the fav around these parts), to a home where he has clean pj's, dishes on the table for dinner and a whole lot of love to go around.

It's the simple things that we mothers do that tell our story of love. Being grateful in the fact that accomplishing these tasks rather effortlessly is an amazing gift. Sometimes these tasks can seem minimal and unimportant compared to what our spouses are accomplishing outside of the home. It's what we do during the day that shows our family that we love them. We love them enough to make sure there are clean clothes and dishes, afternoon snacks a mommy and wife that can't wait to see them when they return home.

Under the Weather

2009-10-12T08:53:00.000-07:00

This weekend I sent my parents home on a jet plane.

I am not feeling so hot, flu I suppose. Swine? Seasonal? Cold? Who knows?!

I have lots to tell you and no energy to type.

Hopefully I'll be back to normal soon........

29 And Holding

2009-09-28T18:14:00.000-07:00

I turned twenty-nine.

My whole twenties I've spent warding off the big 3-0 not wanting any part of it.
I've been going through a very personal journey these past few years.
Having married young, mothering two young children, living a world away from your entire family and facing life threatening illnesses have each, in their own way, taken pieces of me and placed them into a bottle and sent out into the big vast ocean.

This weekend I climbed upon a boat in search of Kelli.

Who am I?
What in life is important to me?
Believe me I have some pretty good idea's of what I am, but are they what I want to be?

This weekend I was baptized.
I have just begun a new journey towards the rest of my life.
I'm so excited to share this time with you.
I will be thrilled to turn thirty and thank God for another year here on earth with my family, both near and far.

***A great big thank you to all my friends and family that supported and encouraged me, I love you all!***

Reflection

2009-09-24T20:19:00.000-07:00

I am back home.
I am reflecting on my amazing voyage home.

The things I love about Michigan:

The leaves beginning to turn into the most amazing colors God created.

My family. The ones I speak to daily and the ones I only see a few times a year. I love you all so much and only wish time could stop and allow me more time with you to chat and catch up on your lives.

Elli, Marley and Rowyn. My Michigan dogs.

Cider mills, pumpkins, cornstalks (by the way, can you even buy these in AZ?), cider, warm donuts.........don't love the bee's.

The country. The homes in the country with large front porches with an old fashioned porch swing attached.

The weather. The change of seasons for each is beautifully unique.

My fashionably forward sister. She inspires me to take more risks. I purchased a pair red flats with her encouragement. They are hot in a spicy grandma sorta way. How many eight month pregnant gals do you know that would/could sport red hot four inch heels to their baby shower?!

Friends. We just pick up right where we left off as if nothings changed a bit.

Friendly folks.

Faygo Pop.

The Wren in the Willow.

Enjoying a Michigan football game with folks even more passionate than I am.

Lazy Sundays (well and Saturdays for that matter) spent with some great food and great football.

Lakes.

Parks with amazing play equipment built right on a farm complete with animals to pet and feed.....Genius idea.

So now I'm home. Home with my boys..... I missed them terribly. I miss Michigan and all the things that go along with it terribly too. My prayers always include the obvious; health, service, appreciation, and for the past few years to show us a sign when the time is right to relocate. Oh, and then I pray for patience as He's been slow to respond to the whole relocation idea.

***My next post will include pictures from my trip***

Date Night Michigan Style

2009-09-17T16:21:00.000-07:00

I'm off on a date.
Yup folks, I'm the third wheel tonight.
I don't mind.
Quality time with my bro and his wife.....ahhh, my soul has been at such peace since my arrival.
From this trip alone, my heart has healed.....I betcha.
Just wait until that next scan, all is well.

I Am... Here.

2009-09-15T09:25:00.000-07:00

I am where the sweet autumn breeze blows through my hair and sends little shivers up my spine.
I am where apples have begun their journey into cider.
I am where my daughter can play outside and feel damp grass under her tootsies.
I am where I can shop and plan for my sister-n-laws baby shower.

I am in Michigan.

I was in bed two weeks ago about to sleep. My soul ached to not be a part of a huge family celebration. My husband requested my presence in the den that night. On his computer screen was an airplane ticket straight to heaven, straight to my family.

I arrived Saturday evening, watched the Michigan game, had a bon fire, roasted marshmallows and thanked Tariq over and over for allowing me this time with my family.

Sunday was spent at the Wren, my favorite country store of all time. I had birthday money to spend and loved every minute of picking out the next item to join my collection of country decor.

Monday I drove into Milford to finalize the cake plans with the bakery. This cake has to be special, has to be unique. Leila and I spent the morning walking the quaint downtown stores, picked up something for brother back home, petting all the dogs that passed us along the way.

My soul needed this trip.

I have been reflecting on my path and the bumpy roads I have been on lately.
The one conclusion I have come to is that everything happens for a reason.
There is a purpose to my life.
My purpose, at least for now, is simply to live.
Live and enjoy the simple everyday pleasures we so often overlook.

What a wonderful life I have.

Let's Talk Football Shall We?

2009-09-11T12:39:00.000-07:00

So I realize this is a very girly blog, but I am a girl that loves her football.

The best time of year is upon us and I'm more ready than I've ever been.

Last year was a total disappointment and I believe we are going to totally make up for it this year!

Tomorrow Michigan plays a huge family rival......should I even mention their name......hmmmm...well we'll just refer to them as plain old ND. My sister-n-laws all time favorite team for whatever reason she cannot seem to explain, other than she is Irish......so what? I'm Irish! Guess I was born into a smarter Irish family (if that's possible:)! Before I go any further, this is all in good fun. Good ol' family trash talk, happens this time every year. I love the girl, but I question her decision making skills every fall. Slowly she's turning towards the maize and blue, she'll come to her senses sooner than later, I'm sure of it. Here is my beautiful sister making a smart decision!

I want to take a moment and thank the University of Oregon for making the decision of suspending LeGarratte Blount for the disgraceful performance after the first game of the season against Boise State. It is a blessing for each of these men to make it to this level in their football career, and to throw it all away due to wounded pride is a terrible waste. I realize he was their star player and I'm sure it wasn't easy to let him go given this season will likely be done and over now, but it was the right decision. My son watches football with me and what a great lesson of how not to act this was. I'm thankful I didn't have to explain to my son that they let him get away with it, I was able to explain the severe punishment he received thus unsportsmanlike behavior gets you nowhere fast. Only if the NFL held the same moral standard as Oregon. If you've been under a rock and wish to see for yourself, here you go: http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/sports_blog/2009/09/oregon-suspends-legarrette-blount-for-rest-of-the-season.html

Just my opinion.

GO BLUE!!!

Time Away

2009-09-08T09:13:00.001-07:00

Where have we been? Gone, gone I say! Had to escape the scorching sunrays!

We packed up the mama-mobile. Filled it with clothes for cold weather, a boy and his DS, a girl and her doll, a husband and his electronic trinkets and a wife with a good book and camera.

Oh and a dog that filled the car on his own with hair balls.

This weekend we got away for a little R&R as a family. We arrived at Nana and Jidu's cabin in Prescott Friday evening.

Every Labor Day Weekend we also celebrate Kyrgyzstan's Independence Day in which I attempt culinary Kyrgyz treats. This year..ummm..not so good. Barely edible if you ask me. (Note to self: try it first BEFORE serving it to others!) I hope that Leila appreciates the effort and thought behind the food. We all were wearing the traditional red and yellow colors however, God had other plans for our clothing. While in Walmart that morning shopping for the ingredients, a large storm decided to roll in......and I'm talking LARGE! Hail the size of golf balls and a down pour that could flood an ocean. We were stuck. Only when the hail stopped did we attempt to make it to the car....soaked. Anyway, here is me by the dish, blissfully unaware of how horrible it would taste.

It rained and rained for most of the day. It was a beautiful site. Leila was a little sick, but what the heck?! These kids don't even know what rain is. By the look on her face, I made the right decision........She kept running and saying WATER!!! Yes my darling, this is water, and not in the bathtub.

Sunday it cleared up and was a beautiful day. Had a great day down at the square and purchased this for my beauty. She was not feeling so hot as you can see.
The guys took the kids back to the cabin and Nana and I went antique shopping. I scored a large Yellow Ware bowl for cheap! Well......cheap for Yellow Ware. My first piece for my future collection.

Oh and that surprise? I'm holding out a bit longer! Soon, very soon.

Movin On

2009-09-01T18:00:00.000-07:00

I put on some amount of make-up daily, some day's more than others.
I dress like I have somewhere to go.
I purchased a new grown-up perfume since I've worn the same scent since high school.
I'm volunteering at least twice weekly at J's school.
Leila and I leave the house to go somewhere everyday.
Sewing is my new hobby and I just completed my first project, an apron.
We found a new church home that we adore and attend weekly.
I'm going to be baptized for the first time on my birthday weekend.

I made a conscious decision to do the above things to help me forget that I'm sick. I found that when I'm dressed up and feel good about myself, I'm able to trick myself and the feelings of dread disappear.

I'm not letting my sick heart take over my world. In fact, most days I don't even think about it anymore. Don't get me wrong, once in a great while I still have a good cry for as long as I need, wipe my tears and move on.

I'm really proud of myself.
It's easy to feel sorry for yourself, wonder why me and dwell on the negative.
It's more difficult, in the beginning at least, to concentrate on the positives.
I chose to have faith and trust that God is by my side and in control.

I trust I'm to learn something from this, maybe I already have.

I'm Blown Away

2009-08-29T16:20:00.001-07:00

I just received the most amazing surprise from my husband. This is quite possibly the best gift EV-AR! Mums the word for now, watch for a later post revealing why MY husband is the best.

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!

2009-08-28T14:12:00.000-07:00

I can say this as I am not only announcing the winner of my small little give-away, but I am also making my favorite homemade chicken noodle soup for dinner.

Congratulations Brea! Arriving shortly will be a Yankee Candle in my favorite fall scent. Hope you enjoy it (just burn it when Jim's not around;)

Doing this give-away was my small way of thanking you all for your unconditional support. Just the fact that you read my blog is humbling.

Rie

Change of Seasons....Change of Luck?

2009-08-22T12:01:00.000-07:00

Fall has begun in the our household.

It is cold (90 degrees), rainy (drizzling) and cloudy (partly), but it's the closest to fall in Arizona gets. I've spent most the morning placing things here and there, absolutely my favorite time of year.

My annual "Yahooo! Fall is here" gift is on it's way to my mom. I hope you enjoy it mom!

Some amazing things took place this week. The first being that the doctor finally called with some good news. He said, your ejection fraction has come up 2% since starting the medications! Now I know that's not much, but it's not much in the right direction. Certainly something to celebrate.

I woke up Friday to find that I won something, and not just something, but a gift certificate to Single Stone Studios! Yahoooooo! Already have ideas of what I would like. I know it must have killed Shelly to post my anti Ohio State comment on her blog, but she did, and I'm proud of her. That's the first step to realizing she has been brain washed by her husband (he's brain washed too). Michigan kicks off the season on September 5th ya'll! Mark it on your calender.

This is one possibility:

My friend called to ask if we would like to join them for the first Cardinals home game (pre-season). A date night?! When? Where? What time? I'm all over that! Remember my favorite pair of heels I showed you before? I got them out of the closet (they were the perfect cardinal red), dusted them off and put them on for the first time since March, the back surgery. My girls: I've missed you. I felt my sexy coming back.....until I noticed the excruciating blisters you were causing. Check out these two hotties!
Dinner time! Some amazing things have happened this week. I pray our luck is turning around. If this week is any indication, I'd say it has.

In celebration of the beginning of my favorite time of year and returning heart function, I'm holding a give-away! Here's the deal: I love the holidays; fall, Christmas, New Years etc.... Share with me your family traditions, big or small. I'm always looking to add new traditions to our holidays. So, send me your favorite family traditions! I will choose one that I want to add to our families traditions........And what will you get in exchange? The winner will receive a large jar candle from Yankee in my new favoirte fall scent!

Leave me a comment here on the blog or e-mail me at: waterford@cox.net

You have until Friday 5pm EST.

Good Luck!

Can't wait to read your ideas!!!

Happy Birthday My Love

2009-08-20T08:07:00.000-07:00

The Occasion: Tariq's (20th) Birthday

The Guests: Us and his Parents

The Menu:

~Broiled Mustard and Brown Sugar Glazed Salmon Fillets with Dill

~American Baked Potato's with the Works

~Balsamic Asparagus

~Homemade Pecan Pie

We ate a wonderful dinner, Tariq's favorite.
I placed the candles in the pecan pie (all 20), not an easy feat.

After desert we watched home videos. We watched Jalyn's birth for the first time. Jalyn loved seeing himself as a newborn. I mourned for those precious six months to follow that I was unable to care for him, and thanked God for the family that was.

I watched and listened as Nana and Jidu helped Jalyn with his homework. It was a beautiful sight. Homework must feel different as a grandparent when your not doing it every night. It was a joy for them to help him.

Daddy gave Leila a bath then he and Nana tucked her into bed.

After our guests left and the children were snuggled all warm in their beds, we retired to our room and talked about the evening. I had an appointment with my cardiologist this morning. I've gained five pounds, have noticed increased shortness of breath and my energy has hightailed it out of my life. An echocardiogram was repeated yesterday to check for further decline. No results as of yet. My mother-n-law brought me flowers and a card with a heartfelt message. The night meant so much to me, so much to celebrate. As long as there is breath in me I will cook Tariq's favorite meals, make him homemade pies and give thanks for another reason to celebrate.

The evening ended with this. I wish for more evenings like last night.

Appreciation

2009-08-17T09:54:00.000-07:00

I look into Leila's eyes and wonder if she would even remember me.

I am thankful that I was healthy enough at one time to experience the joy in saving a child's life.

No matter what happens, she is far better off here with only a daddy than in Kyrgyzstan, alone.

I can only hope that the love I have given her thus far could last her a lifetime.

I watch Jalyn play and I'm thankful he's old enough to know his mommy loves him.

He understands what is going on even though we've told him very little.

He is Mommy's Boy. He holds me and comforts me and brings me such joy.

It is my greatest fear to leave my children. But when I look into their innocent eyes or watch them play quietly, I am reminded that my time with them has truly been a blessing. These are God's children and He choose me to raise them on this earth. I am so blessed that He choose me in the first place.

I have had so many write and say that I have been such an inspiration to them. I have a difficult time in seeing myself as so, but am honored nonetheless. I know each and every one of you that has said those very words to me. I know your character and your strength. You would do the very same thing. You would put your children first just as I have. You would have faith that the road ahead is paved by God so that no matter where it leads, it is where you are meant to go. So I'm going to tell you the same thing a very special person said to me: When you are searching for inspiration, look in the mirror. We each have our own experiences with disappointment, being lost and overcoming the most difficult times.

Look in the mirror and recognize that you yourself are an inspiration. That you are brave.

I'm finally able to do this myself.

The Second Stage: Anger

2009-08-14T07:43:00.001-07:00

WARNING: I cannot be held responsible for the following post. I'm allowing myself one pissed off post and then movin on. Feel free to disregard as I get a few things off my chest and relieve this weight.

I am pissed. Beyond pissed. Again? Seriously?!
I have anger inside I never knew I was capable of producing.

My poor, poor husband. He was witness to my emotional breakdown. He wasn't quite sure what to do with me. Hell, I wasn't quite sure what to do with me.

Why again? It's so rare. Nothing is "rare" to me anymore. Once something has happened to you it's not "rare". And by the way, saying what you have is "rare" to someone is not a good thing to hear. Translation: Doctors don't know what in the hell to do about it. There is no research to guide them. Your screwed.
Don't say this to someone.

For the record, I am not brave. I did not ask for this. I do not want this. I am scared as hell. What other choice does a mom have other than to pick up the pieces and move forward for her children?

I am not an inspiration, at least, I do not see myself as so. That puts pressure on me to live up to that expectation and quite frankly, I'm allowed a sh**** day every now and then. I keep my chin up for the most part, but cannot feel bad about having a good cry either. To hide those times of hurt and anger would only serve others that don't want to feel what I'm feeling.

"Your going to be just fine" is getting quite old. Unless you are God, you cannot possibly know that. I am not being negative, it's called being realistic. Something along the lines of "it sucks and I'm sorry" would be appropriate.

Disclaimer:
My intent of this post is certainly not to offend anyone. I would have said the same things to others myself. I'm moving through the stages and have to allow myself to do so. If you do not allow yourself these emotions than you may never move past the stages and reach acceptance.

Right now I'm mad as hell and have every right to be.

2009-08-06T18:58:00.000-07:00

There are greater things yet to be done in this city.

Energy. Where have you gone? Are you being held for ransom by those medications in exchange for a functional heart? I can't find you and I really need you back. I need you for all the great adventures I've signed myself up for. Because you left, I had to delay my return to the work force and I was really looking forward to that new phase of my life.

In an effort to maintain my emotional well being I have searched for alternative options. I signed up for cake decorating classes and offered myself as a volunteer at our church. I mentioned to Tariq that I would like to sew. "Go for it and get yourself a machine......Happy Birthday." What a wonderful husband I have. Not only did he support this new venture, he accompanied me to a store. Not only did he accompany me, he was present as we spoke to the ladies about the machines. He asked insightful questions and gave me his full blessing in making my decision.

Even though the reality of my situation shows its ugly face once in a while, I've managed to work through the pain and move forward. But I cannot be an active participant if you do not come back to me in some way shape or form.

There are greater things yet to be done in this city, this city that I have not been so partial too. There has been good here, but I want it to be better. Not saying this is going to happen, but I could not leave this city without giving it full effort. I want to enjoy it and experience it.

Please come back to me energy and allow me these greater experiences.

One Week

2009-07-31T21:53:00.000-07:00

One week was all that was needed.

A week of no cleaning, no cooking and no laundry.
Answered few e-mails, took few calls and sought permission to let prior important tasks slip.
Ate salty foods, avoided the gym and slept in.

One day spent at the pool with my children.
Was dared to take a ride on the wild water slide and accepted.
Played ring around the rosie.
Offered up my back for children to enjoy alligator rides.
Didn't watch the clock.

Retail therapy is always a great distraction.
Got crazy and let six-year-old pick entire school wardrobe.
Even crazier and let 21-month-old pick winter wardrobe.
Then down right foolish and picked myself out a nautical pair of jeans.
Handed 30% off coupon to the woman behind me in line who's face I could hardly see from the mountain of clothes she cradled for her children. Woman was beyond grateful.
Stopped in to Gymboree and handed an old lady purchasing a new pair of jeans for each and every one of her grandchildren, a 20% off coupon. "Can't you use this for your two beautiful ones dear?" "I sure could" I replied, "but I bet yours are just as beautiful". "They sure are and I appreciate this more than you could ever know."
Had a chat with another old lady in line at McDonald's. Discussed marriage, kids and a trait we had in common: Lack of breasts. She enjoyed her hot fudge sundae, I made sure to check before we left.

Enjoyed a day with a friend registering for her little miracle.
Laughed, gossiped and ate at the "OG".

A week to keep moving and find the positive road.

A week to let loose with no restraints, no appointments and no expectations.

Now I'm ready.

Thank you honey.

The Scent of Life

2009-07-30T15:33:00.001-07:00

It's amazing how a scent can take you somewhere.

Somewhere back in time.

Somewhere towards the future.

This scent takes me home. I am reminded of leaves crunching under my feet, the crisp air, wearing my favorite sweaters, no doubt surrounded by family. I can hear the water wheel turn around and around and the buzz of bees that simply want a taste. Picking the perfect pumpkin and wagon rides.
This scent is freshly made apple cider and warm donuts.
The scent of autumn.

This scent always means something good is coming out of the kitchen. My husband is working hard and pouring his heart into a meal to feed his family. I hear the dishes clang as he is loud and anticipate the mess as he is messy. A masterpiece is upon us. I love my husband and the delicious food he feeds me. His food feeds my soul.
This scent is garlic and onions; my two favorite additives and his two kitchen staples.
The scent of love.

This scent is warm and cozy. I feel at piece as though nothing in the world matters. There are no expectations, no discussions and no other love exists like it. It's not always the greatest scent but it is the greatest feeling.
This scent is the love of my boys, my dogs; Jafar, Amir and Nasser.
The scent of fulfillment.

The day I received word that I am back in the battle of my life, I was blissfully shopping a sale at Bath and Body Works. As I was checking out the gal said: "Would you like to try our new sample coming out in September?" "Sure" I say. So I slathered it all over, I just loved this new scent.

The call came and I was devastated but had to keep calm and collected for my children. I had no time to process this news. My husband booked a massage for me to have some time to myself and escape from reality for just an hour. However, I chose not to escape. I chose to think about how I will move forward from here regardless of my health. Regardless if I decline or recover.

While the lady was gently massaging my soul and trying to put me to sleep for a while, I was thinking:
This scent I will remember forever. The scent of the lotion I slathered all over before my life was changed forever.
This scent is called:

P.S. I love you.

I believe this was no coincidence. I was being told by God that even though I was hurting and wondering why, He loved me and there is a plan. Have faith.

This scent is Hope.

Here We Go Again

2009-07-28T14:49:00.001-07:00

Ding Ding! Rouuunnnnd Twwwoooo!

Yes

I am back in heart failure.

The Diagnosis:
I received the call today. The reason it took so long is because there is subjectivity in reading Echo results. My Nurse Practitioner had three specialists review my echo at different times only knowing my history and current symptoms. All agreed unanimously that my new EF is closer to 40%, a definite decline. Tariq explained what's going on to me in layman's terms (even us nurses need that sometimes:). My heart is not pumping efficiently from the bottom and it's placing increase demand on my septum (wall that separates the ventricles of the heart) causing stress on my valves therefore causing regurgitation of the mitral and pulmonic valves.

What Next:
I was asked to come in today to have a "King of Hearts" placed on my chest, a monitor for one month. I think that name is cute! They drew a slug of labs to try and figure out the why behind all of this and gave me scripts for the heart medications.

And Me?
So how am I doing? Well I haven't had time to think of that really. Jalyn has been with me and I'm trying (and doing a rather good job if I don't say so myself!) to stay positive and not cry in front of him. I limited my phone conversations to my hubby and nanny to coordinate care for Leila so that Jalyn wouldn't have to hear this over and over and realize something is very wrong here. He knows that mommy's heart is sick again, and it will get better again. That's all his little heart needs to know.

The Outlook:
A repeat echo in 3 months so see if medications improved heart function. If not, well let's just say we'll cross that bridge if it comes shall we? The first gal to decline after successful recovery did so after six months of obtaining a normal EF. She then went on to receive a heart transplant and is doing well. If you get on-line and read (I don't advise this, but need to take my own advice) you will find a rather grim outcome predicted. HOWEVER, much of the research is talking about women who had subsequent babies not about women like me. I refuse to think this way. I have total faith that with proper medications my heart will once again recover.

My Team:
The team that helped me through once is there and ready again. None of us thought we would ever deal with this again so it's definitely a surprise, but were all in for another fight. There is not one person that surrounds me that this doesn't effect in one way or another. Everyone is being so strong, not breaking down or freaking out (at least in front of me) and I thank you so much for that. I need your strength (I pull from it), I need your battle gear on and I need your love more than anything. I feel lifted up in the Lord's hands and I KNOW He will pull me through. There was a reason the first time and I trust there is a reason now.

Adventures of the Big Girl Bed

2009-07-27T14:54:00.000-07:00

The time has come, Leila has begun to place one foot ever so delicately over the crib railing. She has rightfully earned her nickname "Little Monkey" as she will climb on/up anything. It is only a matter of time before she topples over.........not good.
I went and bought her the big girl bed I had envisioned her having since before she came to us. She loves the idea of her new bed being all set up in her room however, she doesn't love the idea of sleeping in it. Nope, she prefers to have playtime in the dark instead. Why not, it's So-Much-Fun! Sorry.......can you hear the sarcasm seeping through?!

We have her crib on one side and her big girl bed on the other.

Today we ran errands all morning in an attempt to wear her out so that she wouldn't care where she laid her little head. She looked drunk as I pulled her out of her car seat; eyes rolling back and limp. I placed her in her big girl bed and BAM! Her eyes opened and she started laughing. Laughing at me and my attempt no doubt. I still tried to make a go at it, what can I say? I still had faith. Then......the infamous sound of her Barbie piano. Back to the crib she went.

I've been seeking advice from all the best and coolest moms that surround me. The best advice had to be: "Our friends turned the crib up-side down so their baby could not climb OUT or GET OUT!" Now, no matter what your right or wrong meter is telling you right now, you've got to admit that piece of advice is darn clever and funny!

My thought is to absolutely baby proof her room and then let her have at it! If she wants to stay awake all night playing, well she'll be one sorry girl in the morning with all the activities we'll be sure to have planned! Eventually she should get the point right?

Just one problem, I have to remember who I'm dealing with here. She is bright, witty, focused and stubborn. She will get her way one way or the other.

I have to be smarter than the 21 month old!

Advice???? Please!!!
Rie

2009-07-24T17:22:00.000-07:00

Well, we've heard nothing......

My cardiologist is out of town so his partner is covering. My doc is great at reading tests and contacting his patients quickly, his partner, not so much.

He has been asked by my doctors nurse practitioner to read my results asap.........

So into the weekend we go with no answers. I really just want to know at this point. I would be lying if I said I am not scared, but I am ready to fight another battle if called to do so.

I just want to know.

You will all know when I do.

Thank you very much for your phone calls, e-mails, and for adding my family to your church's prayer list. I cannot say enough how very much we appreciate all the support we have been shown.

God Bless,

Rie

2009-07-23T08:57:00.000-07:00

Interesting article if you have time......
New York Times

No Need To Ask Why.......

2009-07-22T15:26:00.001-07:00

I vowed to exude positivity this year. The gods above continue to send challenges my way (at least this is how I view it) yet I remain determined to prove to them that in every situation I can and will find the good.

Jalyn's party was a success. The cake turned out well, well for a gal that has no idea what she's doing. The mess I made during the process was incredible! The kids went crazy when they saw the cake and even crazier when they heard I made it. Making your child's birthday cake is so worth the extra chaos. Jalyn was so excited watching the whole process from beginning to end. He chose yellow and strawberry cake layered with fresh strawberries in between. It was absolutely scrumptious.

As you can see, the party was Mario Brothers themed. Even though it was a simple party with only three boys, it is still important to me to bring all of the birthday elements together for a special day. He received amazing gifts! Lego's, Lego's....more Lego's, a marshmallow shooter, dinosaur puzzle and some new items for first grade. J is a very lucky boy.

The women of the party.

What are those silly boys doing out there?

My friend Laura came and brought her daughter Brooklynn. Tariq was on call so she came to help me out with the dinner etc.......Thanks Laura!!!

Here comes the rain I referred to early on in this post.

I received a call from the cardiologist yesterday regarding the stress test I had a week ago. The results showed that I was back into heart failure with an ejection fraction (shows how well your heart is pumping with normal being anywhere from 50-65% or even higher in some people) of 40%. My EF prior was 55-58%. To be completely honest, I shut myself in my closet (trying to shield the children from my emotion)screamed and cried and allowed myself this reaction for a few minutes...then time to suck it up, deal with it and move on with whatever needed to be done. I've beat it before and if needed, I'll beat it again. They requested that I come in today for an echo cardiogram (an ultrasound of the heart) for a more specific reading. My Mr came home immediately from work cancelling all appointments for the day and my dear mother and father-n-law came and took the children for lunch and play at their house. Tariq calmed me down, took me to lunch and then tucked me into bed. I slept from 1-6pm.

Jalyn follows me everywhere I go and I mean everywhere. Some new phase I assume. He heard my cries and wondered why. After I calmed down I explained it to him like this:

"When you were born you know that mommy's heart became very sick but with time I got better. Well, mommy's heart might be sick again, but with time it will get better again. But mommy is sad because it's not fun to be sick...right? Tomorrow mommy will go for a test to see just how sick my heart is. But everything will be OK just like it was the first time. I love you and this is in no way your fault or anyone else for that matter. We will continue to love each other and live our lives just the same, nothing will change."

His response went like this:

J: "I want to go with you to your test."

M: "Baby you cannot go, they do not allow anyone to come in the room."

J: "Well there's a waiting room isn't there?"

M: "Yes but it will be very early. Miss Laura will be here when you wake up and I might even be home before you wake".

Then he gave me the biggest hug ever and asked what was for dinner.

Things always happen for a reason and I'm a true believer in that statement. In everything, there is something be learned.

It is almost a guarantee that I will be placed on the cocktail of heart medications all over again which (pardon my french) totally sucks as they drain every ounce of energy you might have left after raising two children. However, if it means no energy verses a decreasing heart function....well then the choice is obvious.

My mother-n-law gave me a jewelry box with this scripture on the front during my bout with heart failure the first time around and since then I have read it daily.

For I know the plans I have made for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

I believe I am not in harms way, but in God's hands.

And just to lighten things up a bit, here are a few pictures of the things that make me smile and bring the most comfort.

My boy Amir. He has lost so much weight since being on thyroid medication. I'm so darn proud of the boy...and to think we made fun of his plumpness (we lovingly call him sausage on sticks because he looks like a sausage and his legs look like sticks, don't know how they hold him up:) and deprived him of his favorite snack when it really wasn't his fault at all....Bad mommy moment! Oh to have the life of a dog!

Tariq and I were cleaning out my bathroom and Leila took a liking to my velcro rollers. She kept them in her hair the entire evening! What a beauty eh?

See??? All is good in the world after all, no matter what.

Extractions, Toothfairy, Bunk bed and PTSD...What a Week!

2009-07-15T20:54:00.000-07:00

Jalyn's adult teeth were trying to come in, yet his baby teeth are not budging. His big man teeth are coming in crooked due to the overcrowded issue going on in his mouth. The dentist gave Jalyn the option of doing the extraction right then or another day. To my surprise, he requested it to be done now and without me in the room! This was the first time he went back alone even for a cleaning! He took it like a champ. The dentist, who lives in our neighborhood and has seen Jalyn since one year of age, came out and said to me "your little man's growing up!" I cried.

We found a retired master carpenter on Craig's List that makes bunk beds to order. He had one already on hand and gave us a great deal. It was made out of fresh wood so I've been painting it the past few days in 115 degree heat.....not fun. The J man is so excited to have a whole new room. I will post pictures of the make over when it's complete.

Jalyn will have his sixth birthday party this weekend! He choose to have his closest friends over for pizza, popcorn, movie and slumber party! I'm trying my hand at a Mario cake......wish me luck!

I signed up for cake decorating classes today that start in August. I will be doing them with my dear friend Laura. We are both so excited to learn something new! Having some girl time is going to be so much fun and very much needed. Thank you to my awesome hubby who offered to watch our kids and Laura's daughter so we can do this together (her hubby works nights).

And Leila. It's been rough. Today I was told that she is struggling with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Without going into detail, she has been exhibiting concerning behaviors that we have noticed. I met with her pediatrician today. He has extensive experience treating children who have been burned and have PTSD. We will continue to provide a loving and supportive environment. At some point we will start counseling with her. It has been and will be a long road, but if being loved unconditionally has any impact, we are certainly off to a good start. Her pediatrician was amazingly supportive today. He said "since the first time you showed me her picture I've loved her. Then you brought her in to meet me and I loved her even more. She is loved by a lot of people and that has the most impact on recovery." He reassured me that he will be there for us every step of the way and that his heart is truly with us on this journey. He said that what we have done and are doing is very admirable. That meant so much to me. Just knowing that your supported by family, friends and even your doctor makes the road ahead look a little less bumpy.